Friday, January 27, 2012

Grocery store

I would love to review the security tapes from my late afternoon trips to the grocery store. These trips are usually to pick up a few items I need to make dinner or whatever. The child and myself have both been in school all day, and after a 45 minute commute home, we are tired and ready to be HOME.

Since he is of course too big to put in a cart, he has to walk it with me which is fine, but a child potentially with ADHD in a grocery store is like a greyhound taking off after the rabbit at the track. He runs circles around displays, hides behind shelves, grabs and asks for virtually everything at his eye level....All the while I am trudging along behind him simply wanting to grab my loaf of bread and gallon of milk and GO!

He gets in the way of other people, he knocks things over.....by the time we get to the check-out, I am ready to pull my hair out. I scold, I grab him by the arm, I give empty threats, I growl his name through gritted teeth. I am the perfect model of what NOT to do when disciplining your child. But by this time, I've had it and I don't care.

There are a couple of cashiers that I frequent. Younger kids working after school. I can see the gleam of recognition and the rising giggles as I navigate my way to them, grabbing at the scruff of the boy's neck before he ravages the candy rack at the register. Then there are the automatic doors which he bolts toward while I swipe my card. Since he has no worry in the world, it is a real danger that even 6 years old he will run right out into the parking lot. So, to the joy of the frustrated people behind me, I leave my meager groceries and purse mid-purchase and run off to grab him by the arm and drag him back by the shoulder while I finish my transaction. At least by this point he is maniacally laughing, which the irritated people behind me find hilarious.

While I wish I could simply grab what I need and run, part of me guesses that at least I can provide a funny story for someone to share at their family dinner table. And I am sure whoever reviews those tapes gets a good chuckle every time he and I bound through the entrance....

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Empty playroom

We are in the process of re-carpeting and furnishing our main living areas, including a room that has been home to the child's toys the past several years. The room held his toy kitchen, train table, and numerous shelves filled with books, puzzles, games, action figures, cars, etc...Everything has been moved to the finished basement where we will create a rec room with all of the old furniture that is being replaced.

While this room has been purposed as a playroom, it has mainly been used during playdates and parties when other kids would come over and marvel at the set-up and toys he has. But he never seemed interested in any of it....until we gutted it out. All that remains in there is the carpet and an old random futon. And he plays in there constantly....

He is in there now bouncing a small bouncy ball off the walls, he brings in the occasional stuffed animal which 'watches' him perform ninja kicks and tricks, and he just lies on the ground with his feet up on the wall and daydreams. He even dubbed it a 'music room' and wants to practice his violin in there.

He is excited to have the new room set-up downstairs, but I think he is more highly anticipating the idea of a tv of his own than his toys. It amazes me how much more occupied he is with an empty room than a room full of toys....he actually entertains himself. It is so peaceful...

This speaks volumes to me about all of the 'stuff' we have these days. I admittedly have WAY more stuff than I 'need' and apparently he does too. In all our attempts to provide him with a well-rounded supply of activities and toys, we missed the idea that a kid just needs to play....even if it is in an empty playroom...

Monday, January 23, 2012

Sick day

Today is the kind of day I needed. It is a day I am able to keep my kid with the screaming red throat home from school, I will not miss out on anything, AND the hubby will come home mid-day so that I can go do what I do need to accomplish. Wow! I forgot these days exist. Stuff happens. And I am typically fairly flexible and can deal with it. But when it interferes with my school, aka soon-to-be career, I panic.

Although I wish my kid did NOT have a throat on fire, I am glad that the stars aligned leaving me with a free morning and a husband within an hour radius of home. It gives me hope. Hope that we ARE normal, hope that we ARE ok, hope that we CAN and WILL get through this rough patch I call nursing school.

I have some work to do on-line, studying galore and 2 dogs who are enjoying every last second of weekday cuddle time. The kid is just lounging in jammies watching Sprout. This is what sick days are made of. And I am so lucky to be able to afford my kid a normal one, one without panic and fighting over which parent needs to miss out on their job.

I am not sure what will happen tomorrow, if he is not better. I am sure the you-know-what will hit the fan, but for now I will enjoy, drink my coffee in my house from a real mug and bask in the ability to take care of my kid the way he deserves :) :)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Aspen

So we decided to take a vacation. We weren't going to....truly, we were not. Planning a pretty major excursion 6 weeks out is not typically my style. In fact, I am pretty sure I developed a twitch during the reservation process this morning.

We took our first spring break trip last year when me and the child's spring break schedules just so happened to line up. Hubby was already out in Cali for a conference the week before, so we just flew out and met him. This year, we considered and then re-thought the whole idea. Ultimately, I had decided it was a bad idea considering it is my last semester of nursing school and may have some loose ends to tie up. Then the past 2 weeks happened...

Spouse away more days/nights than home, child acting up, me left to my own devices to deal with it all and a broken toe and death in the family to spice things up just a bit more. I decided we needed a vacation. Somewhere not here. Somewhere with time together away from the bustle of the every day.

We searched the Carribbean, Orlando....everywhere was pretty much booked, so I started looking into ski venues. The east coast is not having a good winter, so out west I looked....and fell in love with the idea of our family vacationing in Aspen...'someplace warm, where the beer flows like wine...' While we will certainly not be as stylish and posh as the Cruise and Beckam families are while getting some r&r in this idyllic Colorado town, we will create memories to last a lifetime. And we will have no decision bigger than 'pool or hot tub?' after our day on the slopes....

6 weeks and counting....bring it on stress...we're headed to Aspen!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Snow day

Feeling more like myself today...partially in thanks to the SNOW!! There is nothing like waking up to a wonderland of snow blanketing our world. I also happen to be fortunate enough to have a view from my back windows that never ends, of beautiful farmland that is especially gorgeous when covered in the white stuff.

Then there is the kid. He got up to pee at around 0700, after which my bedroom door slammed open as he bounded in shouting "MOMMY! IT SNOWED! IT REALLY SNOWED!" Most of my mornings begin by some sort of exclamation on his part, but this one rivaled the squeals of joy on Christmas morning. I convinced him that it would be a good idea to hang out inside until we had some breakfast, and sweetened the pot by offering to make pancakes. Currently, he is occupied by daddy (who is FINALLY home and hopefully will remain on a normal work pattern at least for the next few days) working on his LEGO Millenium Falcon.

Now that I am full of whole-wheat blueberry pancakes and had my coffee, I am ready to face the snow-chilled goodness that awaits us outside. This helps me to be thankful that we are together as a family and are physically well and able to go out to shovel and play.

Today I am thankful for the therapeutic effect of: the snow day :)

Friday, January 20, 2012

Ruby shoes

Over the past 2 weeks, my life has been a whirlwind of nursing, schoolwork, violin lessons, car line, preparing meals, washing dishes, laundry, making sure homework is complete...and getting up the next day to do it all over again. I am not sure if it is holiday letdown, lack of vitamin D, or just plain aggravation, but I am in a FUNK. 

I can't explain it any other way. I am just on a short fuse, tired, feeling like I can't please anyone...wah, wah, wah....But then I look at people around me. A single mom of 4 fighting cancer, a young man fighting MS, a family with a critically ill child in the hospital who may not pull through, a single mom of 3 who's child has been in and out of the hospital for months, a beloved head of his family taken from us unexpectedly...I am still tired and frustrated, but I can see it in perspective. My child is healthy and in a wonderful school. I will graduate and be free of the demands of nursing school in a few short months. My husband is ridiculously busy because his company's business is booming....What do I really have to complain about? 

I am still tired. I am irritated that I have to do 'everything' myself. But at least I have the ability to do so. If scheduling the delivery of my new carpet and furniture are my biggest pet peeve, so be it. I hate to be the girl who's ruby shoes are too tight. That isn't me. I reach out and help people. I do what I can, albeit small, to brighten someone's day. 

With this in mind, tomorrow I shall strive to smile more, jot a note to someone who is going through a truly hard time, donate money to a cause that will put it to good use, pick my head up and do what I need to get done. 

I will get out of my 'FUNK' by realizing that I have nothing to funk about. I will still grumble about doing the laundry and the fact that I am spending my second friday night in a row sans spouse watching the goodnight show on sprout and hoping the child drifts off to sleep....it's all a part of life. The life I chose for myself, not one bestowed upon me by some force I was defenseless to. I shall be thankful that I have the ability to complete what I need to do even if it is less than convenient. Deep breath....moving on...

Monday, January 16, 2012

The business trip phenomenon...

I would really love to know what it is that makes bizarre things happen when my husband goes out of town for work. How does karma KNOW when he is leaving, how long he'll be gone and how to throw JUST enough at me to make me go a little cuckoo??

This trip, which still has another 24+ hours to go, fell over MLK day, which left me scrambling for a sitter (thanks to a dear friend for covering!) made me go in late for the second week in a row to my clinical portion of class, AND left me with a broken toe. The minor inconveniences come with the territory, but the toe was the twist of bizarre to make my life a twinge more difficult.

The first time he went away for more than a couple of days, happened to be the exact same day our son (14months old at the time) decided to take his first steps, leaving me in a 100% NON-childproofed house. The next memorable incident was a few years later when I was recovering from a major foot surgery and one of our dogs got horribly sick. I couldn't take care of her the way she needed, so I boarded her at the vet who ran every test known to man, and $700 later it turned out she had a minor UTI...A year or so after that, our refrigerator motor blew up the day he flew out, leaving me living out of coolers in our garage and frantically shopping for a replacement.

I am not a particularly spiritual person, but even I can't help but wonder if there is a little more than coincidence to these situations. Maybe someone is trying to show me how good I have it with him, and how much he really does help and support me when he is home. Maybe it is a trial to show me that I CAN"T do this all alone, even though I feel like I can. Hmm...I dunno, but it sure makes me wonder what is behind this business trip phenomenon ;)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Pieces

My first week back to school was not so bad. For me, it is much of the same as far as school goes, and maybe even a bit lighter load than I have had to deal with in the past year. It also helps that GRADUATION in MAY is the light at the end of this crazy tunnel! Woo!!!

The thing I am struggling with most is my child's reaction to all of this. He seems to be taking this semester particularly hard. Probably since he has seen me put through the ringer these past 2 years. I wish I could assure him that it is going to be ok, and the end is in sight. I also hope that someday he looks back and realizes that yes, I have done this for me, but also for him. I did not feel fulfilled where I was in my life, and attending nursing school has helped me feel more complete. Not in the sense that motherhood has not 'completed' me, but more like I never was sure what I wanted to be when I 'grew up.' Now I have a path. My child will not be a child forever, and what will I do as he comes into his own and doesn't need me RIGHT by his side anymore? He was already school aged when I hit this full-steam-ahead, and I felt like it would be ok. And it will be and it is, but it is still hard.

I do not consider my needs selfish by any stretch. In fact, part of my drive to learn is propelled by my ambition to reach out and help others. But, I cannot help but wonder if deep down I am looking to reach out to others so I do not have to deal with what is right in front of me? Is it easier to help others than to help myself? Is this a cop-out or am I genuine? I feel genuine, but I am sure a psych expert would have a field day with my brain. Oh well...I shall keep on keepin' on with my heart in the right place. And I shall continue to hope that all of the other pieces fall into place....

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Reality

I am blogging this evening hoping to be able to keep up with my daily entries, but knowing our lives as we know it are about to go into a tailspin. Tomorrow, I begin my fourth and final semester of nursing school. In my blogs, I speak a lot about pushing forward and going for it, but there is a more realistic side to all of that. That is, I am a mom. And while I take pride in my work outside of the home, I do have 'work' in the home that will be neglected. Fortunately, the child begins his bedtime rituals around 7pm on nights like tonight when we eat dinner at a decent time. On his way up tonight, I went to give him a hug and kiss and felt my stomach drop when I realized I wouldn't be here in the morning when my warm, bedheaded little man in his fleecy jammies woke up.

I am going to miss his first bleary eyed look at his world for the day. I will not be the one dropping him off at school, daddy will make his pb&j, and he will have to go to extended care both before and after school. This is the downside to the fast-paced lives I speak of us choosing for ourselves. While I truly feel all of the 'go-gettum' words I have blogged in the past few weeks, I need my followers to know that I do indeed have a warm spot for being a mom. And telling my little man that I would TRY to get to school by 5:00 to pick him up tomorrow just about broke me.

Believe it or not, the most gut-wrenching part of the whole situation is when he understands that I will be late, unable to be reading mom for a while, and otherwise be distracted. Part of me feels that it is realistic for him to accept these things, but the other part wishes he didn't have to wonder what time mommy is coming to pick me up.

I can drop off and change this all in one swift move. I can end it all by giving up on my career and staying home full-time. Pop out a few more babies, drive a Honda Odyssey and head back to a world of play groups and story hours. But that's not me. And what kind of mom would I be if I were miserable?

I love my child more than anything. And in order to give him what he deserves, I will put on my big girl panties and face the world as a professional tomorrow. And that pride I will feel dressed in slacks and an embroidered lab coat bright and early, will stay with me as I push through my day 'making it all work.' I will pick him up at the end of the day and beam with pride as he tells me all about his day and ponders my daily 'did you do anything cool today?'

Will I miss the morning cuddles I have enjoyed that past few weeks? Will I miss his morning ritual of watching Sprout while he eats his breakfast? Of course (except for Caillou, I really can't stand that whiny kid...) But reality sets in, and he must go be a first grader and I will be me. I will be me so I can be better for him.

Peppermint Mocha

I have a confession: we give our hyperactive 6 year-old coffee. Crazy? Maybe. Smart? Maaaayyybeee...While all sorts of evaluations have said otherwise, it does not take a trained individual to see that our child is at the very least 'different' from others. He has endless energy and is active from the second he wakes up in the morning until his little body succumbs to the heavy lure of sleep each night. I am not exaggerating. If he is not engaged in an activity and left to his own devices, he can create some serious damage. The problem seems  to be that his brain just never stops generating exciting new thoughts and ideas. While he is proven to be of higher than average intelligence, nobody has been able to tell us how to help him harness and focus all of this intellect, so we troubleshoot ourselves. 

One of the things we discovered while attempting to have a quiet, lazy weekend morning was that he likes coffee. He would always ask for a sip and would stop in his tracks and savor it. So, using my limited knowledge of children with hyperactive disorders is that some treatments include giving the children stimulants. While I am not against medicating my child, I am a parent who would like to exlpore all options before resorting to it. So, I said to my husband, just make him a cup. We made a K-cup, poured him about a third of it and added skim milk and a dash of sugar. He took his plastic mug emblazened with his name in puff-paint, wrapped his little hands around it and sat down on a windowsill. He sat there savoring each sip and staring out the window. It was like we were having some sort of breakthrough. This is the child who is incapable of watching shows with commercials because once his concentration is interrupted, he loses all interest. This was five minutes of pure, non-hyper activity. Sitting. Still. And quiet....a true breakthrough. 

We try to not schedule anything on our weekends. Our weekdays are so fast-paced with so little family time, that our weekends are ours. Especially the mornings. From our 0700 wake-up until about 1100 when child starts hounding us for lunch, we chill. And all of that kicks off with all of us enjoying a cup o' joe. 

The moral of this story is, if you come to my house and my kid asks for a 'peppermint mochO' and I oblige, do not judge me. His favorite coffee is Green Mountain Organic Sumatran Reserve...Folgers just doesn't cut it. And he LOVES Coffeemate Sugar-free Peppermint Mocha (I am honestly more concerned about the artificial sweetener than the coffee.) This cup of goodness gives us a good 5 minutes of quiet followed by about 30 minutes of chill child. Let us have our precious lazy time. And let him have his peppermint mocha. 


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Chaos

I like to describe my life as living in 'organized chaos.' It is chaotic and cluttered, but each day I manage to get everyone where they need to be (and on time,) make sure everybody has at least 2 healthy home-prepared meals, and fulfill the obligations I have committed myself and my son too...my husband can fulfill his own ;)

I have been questioned by people close to me 'maybe you have too much going on?' Too much? How much is too much? My husband and I work as a team (as much as his job can afford him the time,) he works full-time, I am in school full-time, and our son attends first grade and takes private violin lessons. I do not see what can be cut from there. If I weren't in school full-time, I'd be working full-time. This is what we have chosen. No, I do not have to work to fulfill our financial obligations, but it sure is nice to have that option in our back pocket. Why not be prepared? And I love to learn, volunteer, work with others....that is who I am.

We also have a child who is very much full of life and is constantly on the go exploring his world. Yes, he is loud, into EVERYTHING and making a mess, but am I supposed to put the kabosh on that?? Should I put on a constant stream of Netflix and let him stew?

We have 2 dogs and a hamster. The hamster is upstairs and doesn't need anything except a daily feeding and a clean cage once every few weeks. The dogs are under foot and like to bark and play, but we enjoy them. They make us laugh, bring joy and help teach our son how to care for and nurture something.

So, while I agree that we have a lot going on, I do not agree that it is 'too much.' We live our lives. That's what they're for, right?! I do not want to ever look back upon my life and say 'I should've gone for it.' If there is something I am unable to do for a reason, that is one thing, but if I could and I just didn't?? That would be regret. And I avoid the possibility of regret at all costs.....even if it means living in 'chaos.' I will take my chaos and embrace it...after all, you never know what tomorrow brings, so GO FOR IT!!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Reading mom

This morning, I got the opportunity to be 'reading mom' in my son's classroom. It is a task I gladly volunteer to do, and try to get there at least once a month. The job is to take the children in the class out into the hall individually, listen to them read and briefly note their progress to the teacher. While I enjoy this opportunity as a former educator, my favorite part is getting to be an active part of my first grader's school day.

I got to witness him enter the class and find a silent reading book to start off his day, observe morning circle and watch as he gathered his day's 'work' and headed off to his chosen place in the room to get going....what I failed to mention here is that he attends a Montessori school, which is an alternative style to public school education. I got to watch him interact with his buddies, problem solve when deciding what to work on, and lay out on the floor with one of his teachers to work on a manipulative math assignment. I got to have conversations with his classmates and giggle over the silly parts of the stories they are reading...it was such a fantastic morning.

The best part of my morning though (besides the very public hug I received from him as I left the classroom) was the joy and pride I felt watching my little boy function so well in his little world. I feel so proud and fortunate to be able to afford him this education. It is not just a financial sacrifice, but also one of time, as we have a 35 minute one-way commute. I couldn't have found a better school for him if I had created one myself. I am so thankful that this amazingly smart, curious little boy my husband and I have created is in his own niche where he can be him and not stifled by structure and policy.

So, I walk with an extra bounce in my step today, extra proud of my precious little man, knowing that he is being cared for and nurtured in such a special way. I wish every parent could feel as happy as I do with our child's education....if only....

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Quiet

While I adore my little family, I am ever so glad that my dear husband and child have returned to work and school. Even the dogs are more settled and curled up in balls in their sun spots as opposed to their usual neurotic barking-at-every-sound temperament.

I look around and see the wreckage that holiday break has left behind. Though I smile to see the gifts that were opened and evoked squeals of joy from my 6 year-old, and the new Kindle Fire that consumed my husband most of his days off around the house, I am glad to be able to finally straighten up the room and return to the usual clutter. I sit at my laptop perfectly content to prepare for my new semester, catch up on ignored e-mails, and otherwise get back to my same-old/same-old. Even though my laptop keys are click-clacking away and Infinity "MusicChoice" plays as my background, I still consider this to be quiet. I am not living in fear that this quiet means my son is hiding somewhere cutting his hair, or burning the end of a pencil in the lit candle in the bathroom (both true stories.) I can just enjoy and feel accomplished as I check away at my to-do list.

If you had a spouse and/or children returned to the grind this week, what will this change for you? Will routine go on as normal, do you miss the hustle and bustle of the season, or are you reveling in the calm as I am? I miss the family together-laziness, but will not miss the bored child deciding it would be a great idea to put small glass-ball ornaments in his mouth and spit them at the wall to see them shatter....another true story...I welcome the promise of a new calendar year and settling back into that crazy routine I complain about so much...part of me craves that constant movement...the other part will continue to sit here and enjoy the quiet :)

Monday, January 2, 2012

'Lucky'

I hate the word 'lucky' and choose to use it sparingly. I feel, however that it is overly and inappropriately used by many. Webster's dictionary defines lucky as "having good luck; happening by chance; producing or resulting in good by chance." I have been told that my husband and I are "lucky" because he makes a good salary that allows me the opportunity to be in school and not bring in any income. He also earned a degree from a well-known university and graduated number one in his engineering class. Is that lucky? Or did he earn his job due to hard work and perseverance? Also, am I 'lucky' to be a career-change student at 33 years old, or am I taking a risk?

I have also used 'lucky' used to describe fellow classmates of mine who utilize the G.I. Bill to fund their educations. Is that lucky? I think those individuals earn the right to use what they have earned by providing their service through the U.S. Military.

To me, luck is winning the lottery or having your name chosen to win a door prize. Our accomplishments in life are based upon on how much we put into them. People may feel down on their luck when things don't go their way, but overall, I feel that the term 'luck' should be reserved for things that truly happen by chance. I am sure that I have used the term lucky to describe earned fortunes in the past, but since I have been told I am 'lucky' to have some of the fortunes my husband and I have worked hard to EARN, I am very careful how I use the term.

So, next time you consider someone to be 'lucky,' consider what you are implying. While you may mean it as a compliment, you may be demeaning the value of what they have worked hard to earn.

Just my 2 cents ;)