Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Grief

I don't have the words. I so badly want to blog about what I have been experiencing, but I just can't. It is either too personal, too much information, or just not my story to tell.

My heart goes out to my husband's aunt, uncle and cousins as they prepare to lay their son and brother to rest. Sudden health-related death at 24 years-old...too shocking to comprehend. He was just getting started. Everyone whose life he has touched is devastated. How can this be? Why him? He was healthy, athletic, made good choices, did everything right....he was his high school class valedictorian, had an advanced college degree and was a known up- and- comer in his career field...

As was presented in a sentiment from his funeral director when speaking of the question 'why?' His response was 'all that love could do was done.'

All that is left to do is help lay him to rest. Rest easy, Michael...for you are loved.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Pizza

I left my house before 6am this morning. Put in a 9 hour day on the psych unit and discussion of my patients, raced to be in time for the kiddo's violin lesson, and made the 35 minute trek home, knowing I had a couple of hours of school work waiting for me later in the evening.

Nothing extraordinary here, just the day in the life of a working parent. My story leads me to the moment of panic I felt after I called my husband and asked him to pick up a pizza on his way home....today is Tuesday...pizza day at school...I am going to feed my kid pizza twice in one day!! Oh, the horror!! While I realized after a moment of clarity that he would indeed survive and may even not complain about what's for dinner for a change, I felt panic-stircken in that initial moment.

It then made me think, what DID I/we do for our child today? Husband took him to school since I went in too early to do drop-off, he had a great day in school and got to create a clay animal in art class, got to play outside with friends after school, and got picked up only to head to a violin lesson. He even got to taste a faschnacht in extended care. All while his dad went to work hard all day at his job, and his mom was at school furthering her education.

This is a far cry from horrid. We all came home, ate dinner together as a family and he is now relaxing on the couch with a couple of TV shows. While I would prefer my child to have a healthy, well-balanced diet, I'd say he had a pretty damn good day today while his parents worked to provide for his well-being. It's ok to have pizza for lunch AND dinner. I'll cook tomorrow night...

Monday, February 20, 2012

Conquer

For some reason, today I am feeling especially thankful to be someone who does not give up, give in, or take no for an answer. Part of it comes from the fact that I am SO OVER being in nursing school. Every morning I wake up lately, I feel like 'WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS FOR MYSELF???' But then I make myself think of my alternatives....sitting home day after day being bored, or working at a job I didn't enjoy....I would be miserable with no way out....at least being in school, I can look forward to the day (less than 3 months from now!!!) when I can say I accomplished what felt impossible. 

Some day this will all be worthwhile, and I will say 'remember when...' rather than 'I wonder if I could have...' I am so thankful to know that not only did I try, but I succeeded. Every day I stumble a little and even feel like giving up...but I haven't yet. I have learned so much about myself these past 2 years. I can handle more than I thought I could, I learn well under pressure, I love working with people, and if you believe in the impossible, you can make it happen....

In closing, as I prepare to return the mountain of work in front of me...an 8+ hour day behind me and two 9 hour ones ahead....I am going to conquer this. And I am going to conquer it with pride. I am going to hold my head high and roll with the punches...I may not do it all without a whining cry for help, but I WILL do it!

And for all those little people in my way, trying to bring me down....to you, I say good luck...because if I go down, it won't be without a fight :)

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sharing

After a post on facebook the other day outlining the details of a horrific tantrum my kid threw that spanned 3 locations and at least an hour of time; I have had several people say to me in person that they enjoy my posts and that I am real.

I pride myself in my reality, and sharing is an outlet for me. Perhaps my healthiest outlet. While some (or many) may disagree and say I overshare, or are irritated by my stories, I feel that they are shared in such a way that nobody is forced to read. If you don't want to hear it, block or unfriend me.....NO OFFENSE TAKEN!!

One thing I have learned through my facebook sharing and blogging, is that many people walk in my shoes. Not in the same ways necessarily, but we all carry our own burdens. Whether they be through stress related to finances, work, school, child-rearing, dealing with friends and family....we all have our own row to hoe and it is sometimes therapeutic to realize we all have burdens.

I never pretend to be any worse off or even close to sharing the same burdens those around me carry. Most of my struggles are relatively light and airy. But they still weigh me down in a way that sometimes keep me up at night. I am interested and intrigued by the lives of those around me, and hope they feel they can share with me as well.

I am all about keeping it real. I cannot stand those who hide behind a false facade....and I hate to tell you, I can generally sniff those people out from miles away...I am not a hopeful psych-nurse-to-be for nothing. I love to read people and see if I am right. I am famous for being the one who wasn't sold on a person and those around me think I am being cynical. Then one day that person pulls a stunt seemingly out of left field and I am left grinning, holding back the 'I told you so!' I am also proven wrong sometimes, and one of my favorite things is when I do not give somebody the benefit of the doubt and they totally prove me wrong. I have had situations like that where that person has become one of my dearest friends (due to my open nature, you totally know who you are if you are reading this.)

Please do not read this and avoid me thinking I am reading you. I am not. I am talking about first impressions....and often times, I will tell a person what my impression was of them if they threw me a curveball. I have had friends ask me if I am going to blog about them (you know who you are too.) If I am blogging about you, you will know it. I don't beat around the bush. This blog is not about you, lol! ;)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I dunno...

One of the most frustrating things about dealing with my 6 year-old lately, has been his lack of recall. I can ask him what he's eating WHILE he's chewing it, and I'll get that blank stare and 'I dunno.' Two words kind of slurred together in a way that makes you wonder if he indeed knows anything?!

He's pretty good about telling me what happened in school each day when I pick him up and we embark on our journey home. But as the 3 of us sit at the dinner table about an hour later and I ask him about specific details (with lots of prompts) to share with my husband, we get the eyes and the 'i-unno.'

Now, this is his short-term recall. His long-term memory is uncanny, and he downright startles us with the crystal clear detail in which he remembers seemingly non-memorable moments. He can quote movie lines from DVD's he hasn't seen in months with shocking accuracy. I guess I am just afraid that his brain is so full, that his new memories just have no place to go?!

This does work to his advantage in the sense that you only have to tell/teach him something once and he's got it. He remembers what he reads, learns from TV, EVERY cuss that has EVER been uttered by me, etc, etc...I only wish I had that same gift as an adult nursing student. I'd rock!

As I wrap this up, I am beginning to dread our project for the evening....journaling in a class notebook about the adventures we had with the class stuffed pet this weekend. I am preparing myself for the 'i-uh-no' I will undoubtedly get when I asked what we did yesterday (he already forgot that we went to a Mardi Gras party last night, which was a pretty big part of our day...) Let's go see what he DOES know...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Social

I had the opportunity to volunteer this week in my son's 6-9 year old classroom. To my great horror, I discovered that he has been sanctioned to working at a desk WITH THE TEACHER.......MY kid is THAT kid!!

I had requested a conference several weeks ago when I found out that he had been held out of recess on several occasions to complete his am work. I found out that his lack of completion was due to his desire to chat with his friends (wonder where he gets that from.) We had discussed ways that may help him focus, but I didn't realize this would be one of them. The classroom is set-up and designed in a way that the children may sit at any table or spot on the floor to do their work. Not my kid. His name is taped to a table for 4, along with 2 other kids and the teacher....

I am not offended by this means of restriction. He is somewhat immature socially, and the youngest by a few months than any of the other children in the class. This is one of the areas where this shows up. I am not upset with the teachers. They are handling the situation....this is what I asked for, after all. I am just very humbled by the fact that MY kid is the one who needs the 'special' seat by the teacher, if you will.

The funny part of this story, is that he is proud of this spot. While my stomach dropped to my knees when I made this discovery, he proudly brought me to his spot and told me 'I get to sit here and if I need anything from the teacher, she's right here!!' He totally doesn't get that he has been singled out as 'that' kid, and is happy to have a bit more self-control and finish his work in a timely manner. To each his own, I suppose.

This brought me back to my tenure as an elementary school student. I was well-behaved and fell through the cracks by being quiet and producing mediocre, yet passing level work. Upon entering middle school, I became a bit more social....well, maybe more like a lot more social, and became a disruption in the classroom. Still providing mediocre work, I no longer slid through the cracks because I was loud. 

I feel this has been a weakness as well as a strength. Being 'loud' has gotten me far in life. I speak up for what I believe in, stand by others, and don't go unnoticed in a crowd. I am not obnoxious, and try not to be annoying, but definitely believe in speaking up. After all, the answer is always no if you don't ask the question...

Where I am going with this, is that my kid is awesome. He loves people. He is fascinated by them. He may struggle balancing his social life with working life, but who doesn't? A personality as strong as his, paired with his social nature, as well as his ability to analyze and manage can be a wonderful thing...Perhaps he is the next CEO of a major company, or *gasp* a politician....who knows? Whatever happens, I hope he remains social and embracing of people. These gifts have done me well and I wish him the same.....talk on, little man....just remember to get the other stuff done too ;)


Friday, February 3, 2012

Decisions

The stress of being in my last semester of nursing school is at its peak right now. While some people are gleefully counting down the days until May, I am frantically counting hours missed and hoping nothing else happens to cause me to miss another clinical day. I am one stomach bug away from possibly exceeding my limit and being dismissed from the course, thanks to the sick days I needed to take this week. In addition to being on the mend and missing 2 clinical days this week, I was also unsuccessful on an exam...only by a few points, but that is totally not my style!

I think what happened here is I put myself and my wellness above my school work....I realized that holistically, I needed to take enough time to heal rather than keep pushing and playing an endless game of cat and mouse with some random infection. Dare I say I made a mature decision?? I also put forth the interests of my child, who needs me to be healthy. A sick mom is a sick household here....I am fortunate that whatever ravaged my tonsils did not seem to spread to the rest of my family.

Typically, I would be devastated by the exam grade I earned today. But I am more proud that I took the exam today, picked up my kid from school, let him ride his scooter awhile, loaded the dishwasher, put in a load of laundry and didn't immediately crash on the couch. I took time to be sick, so I was able to do those things today. I put my family and my health first....isn't that what life is about? Sure my education is important, but at the end of the day a healthy family is more so. I think I may have learned a great lesson today.....and hopefully it will stick!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Pride

I am so proud of my little man today! Today is his first 'science showcase' at his school. He is not a child who enjoys sports, but rather enjoys activities in science and other academia where he is free to explore and ask questions. We have long suspected that the sciences may be his strength, and today is a milestone we will cherish forever.

His topic is simple: 'how are rainbows made?' He wanted to do a project about fiber optics, which he does have a basic understanding of, but I wanted him to do a project he could fully do and understand on his own in his 6 year-old realm. He learned the word refraction, and the colors of the spectrum created from white light.

Even more than the fact that he gets to really be in his comfort zone this evening, he takes great pride in today. He even wore a shirt with buttons and 'flaps' and let me spike his hair (which is generally unheard of.) He was so excited about today, that he had a great violin practice session this morning with the realization that practice makes perfect, and pride pushes you through.

He looked years wiser to me when I dropped him off at school this morning. And in a way, he is. He learns a great lesson today beyond any scientific question....he learned how to feel pride in his accomplishments. Something I can never teach him on my own...