Reality

I am blogging this evening hoping to be able to keep up with my daily entries, but knowing our lives as we know it are about to go into a tailspin. Tomorrow, I begin my fourth and final semester of nursing school. In my blogs, I speak a lot about pushing forward and going for it, but there is a more realistic side to all of that. That is, I am a mom. And while I take pride in my work outside of the home, I do have 'work' in the home that will be neglected. Fortunately, the child begins his bedtime rituals around 7pm on nights like tonight when we eat dinner at a decent time. On his way up tonight, I went to give him a hug and kiss and felt my stomach drop when I realized I wouldn't be here in the morning when my warm, bedheaded little man in his fleecy jammies woke up.

I am going to miss his first bleary eyed look at his world for the day. I will not be the one dropping him off at school, daddy will make his pb&j, and he will have to go to extended care both before and after school. This is the downside to the fast-paced lives I speak of us choosing for ourselves. While I truly feel all of the 'go-gettum' words I have blogged in the past few weeks, I need my followers to know that I do indeed have a warm spot for being a mom. And telling my little man that I would TRY to get to school by 5:00 to pick him up tomorrow just about broke me.

Believe it or not, the most gut-wrenching part of the whole situation is when he understands that I will be late, unable to be reading mom for a while, and otherwise be distracted. Part of me feels that it is realistic for him to accept these things, but the other part wishes he didn't have to wonder what time mommy is coming to pick me up.

I can drop off and change this all in one swift move. I can end it all by giving up on my career and staying home full-time. Pop out a few more babies, drive a Honda Odyssey and head back to a world of play groups and story hours. But that's not me. And what kind of mom would I be if I were miserable?

I love my child more than anything. And in order to give him what he deserves, I will put on my big girl panties and face the world as a professional tomorrow. And that pride I will feel dressed in slacks and an embroidered lab coat bright and early, will stay with me as I push through my day 'making it all work.' I will pick him up at the end of the day and beam with pride as he tells me all about his day and ponders my daily 'did you do anything cool today?'

Will I miss the morning cuddles I have enjoyed that past few weeks? Will I miss his morning ritual of watching Sprout while he eats his breakfast? Of course (except for Caillou, I really can't stand that whiny kid...) But reality sets in, and he must go be a first grader and I will be me. I will be me so I can be better for him.