That time they won the trophy...

I did something this weekend that today’s American culture would tell me is WRONG. Mom blogs everywhere will be lighting up, saying how awful I am to allow such heinous acts to occur in my child-rearing. Surely, I have not only ruined my child’s chance at a successful future, but how many kids did I leave behind in my wake of destruction?? Worst of all--some of them even walked away without a trophy. This weekend, I taught my kid how to win.

Brief back story to my horrific path of dashing young hopes and dreams is this:

My kid plays competitive baseball. And he’s good. And so is his team. We are THAT family (with an only child, to boot.) We have an SUV (or minivan) packed to the gills with sports equipment, tents, coolers, snacks, first aid kit, changes of clothes, umbrellas, and a partridge in a pear tree. Many weekends from August-November, and March-June, you can find us either freezing or sweltering in a field in the middle of some rural or suburban nightmare. And we love it; even when we have the fleeting moments of sanity, when we feel like this is all for the crazy-birds.

Some Interwebs “experts” will have you believe that we are what is wrong with the world. That we tie weights to our kids’ ankles and make them run sprints while wearing a parachute and a plastic suit in 100 degree temps. This may be the case for some, but not all. Not even the majority, really.

I have another deep, dark secret to indulge you with though...keep it on the down-low please, as this is probably the most damaging part of it--our kid plays one sport. One lonely sport. And he trains year-round, with throwing breaks in November/December and mid-July through mid-August. This makes us parents who allow him to “specialize” in a sport. Cue the doom & gloom music...dun, DuN, DUNNNN!!

Here is some insight to what one of our weekends looks like:

We wake up early, having packed up the night before, and get out the door, knowing to be on time is to be late

(Preparation, and respecting others’ schedules)

We get where we are going, and the kid works with his team to warm-up for the day- if our team is hosting the tournament, my husband and I are raking fields, setting up a concession stand, and distributing shirts to arriving teams

(Team and volunteer work, fundraising, and all hands on deck to put on a successful event)

Then the games begin--children hit the fields and are encouraged to score runs, keep the other team from scoring runs, and cheer each other on

(Being part of a team, supporting and motivating others, showcasing what they have trained to do)

As the tournament progresses, game times are unpredictable, as they are determined by wins and losses--there is often down time between games

(Families and team members gather together for meals-mostly pre-packed picnic style) and watch and cheer on other teams. Children do not have any sort of electronic device, and often engage in a game of wall ball, tag, or some other team-building activity. Families bond and often form friendships that will outlast our years at the ball field.)

If your team is winning, you continue to play. Eyes on the prize. May the best team win. If you are losing, you continue to play. Eyes on how you can work to improve for your next tournament.

(Constructive criticism, motivation to play well, hoping to win, or continuing to play in the face of defeat--one may argue which takes more strength.)

Along the way, your team will either be eliminated, or you will proceed. Ultimately, 2 teams will make it to the championship. You may have won all the games leading up, or you may have lost one. You may be facing a team you’ve beaten, lost to, or never played before. Only one thing is for certain: it’s not over til it’s over.

This weekend, our team battled in 5 games over 3 days. It was a holiday weekend, and families gave up pool parties and picnics to be at the field with their boys. Some had their other children with them; some were ducking out between games to shuttle a sibling here or there. There is often “changing of the guard,” where parents will switch off which event they are at in order to see all of their children participate in their sport. It was very hot, and the sun was brutal. We all worked together and pooled our resources to create areas of shade and shared coolers of water, Gatorade, and other energy-sustaining snacks with the boys and each other.

We have families of all socioeconomic levels on our team. We have families with many children, some with one child. We have single parent families, “traditional” families, and families facing separation that are trying to coexist for their children. We fundraise year-round to keep costs as low as possible, and to financially assist players who have talent, but maybe cannot afford to play. We often car pool and commute over a weekend, rather than spend the night in hotels. We are not the 1%. We are not “elite.”  We are not the parents throwing blows at umpires (although we are all human and all react.) We are dedicated to, and love our children. We count pitches, and pull them from the field if they are hurt. We teach them to work through the frustration of a strike-out and discuss what went wrong. We encourage them to do better next time. We remind them that hitting a baseball is the single-most difficult action in any sport. Even MLB pros only get the bat on the ball less than three quarters of the time.

This weekend, our kids happened to win. They were not the best team there. But they worked hard and defeated the best team there. This led them to the championship game, where they won again. This time claiming their trophy. Both teams line up on the field after the game, and the hosting coach debriefs the events of the weekend. Both teams are encouraged and applauded on their outstanding work. Both teams are reminded that only one team can win. The “losing” team receives a medal and applause as they individually accept, the winning team receives the same treatment and are each handed a trophy in addition to the large trophy handed to the coach.

Our team has been the “runner-up” many times. My son has a collection of “second place” medals---in baseball, second place means you “lost.” This first place trophy is a win on so many levels. We spent a weekend together as a family; even extended family came out to support. My kid did not play a single video game, or access a single app for 3 days. He did zone out in front of the tv in the cool a/c when we got home though. Today, he will return to school and will have a story when asked “what did you do this weekend?”

He will probably say “I won my baseball tournament.” What he really did was form a sense of motivation to become a better player, teammate, and a plan to remain on the path of success. This weekend will take him far beyond a trophy on a shelf. It will play a part that forms his sense of self, and his ability to be a part of something bigger than him.

My turn

The kid (9) comes home from school today telling me how I just HAVE to let him attend this after-school bowling program at a bowling alley I have never heard of before. A van will pick him up from school, bring him to the bowling alley, and I can come pick him up in 3 hours.

I explain to him that I need more information. He feels I have all I need. We argue over the fact that I say "I don't even know where this is," and he says "the address is RIGHT. HERE," totally glossing over the fact that I STILL have no idea where the place is. I then explain to him that I need to speak with someone before letting him get into some random van that will take him to the bowling alley I have never been to or heard of before. He sees no problems, I see about a hundred and ten of them. Then, of course, there is the friend who is "90% sure he can go" (I called his mom. He can't go.) My kid is convinced I am ruining his life and stunting his social prospects with all of my minor safety concerns. 

Believe it or not, this was all just back story. The real story is, aside from me not wanting to send my kid to some random bowling alley that is kind enough to send a van to pick him up from school, it happens on an evening that I planned an activity for myself. I plan on taking up Zumba, and my first class happens to be the same evening as the first evening as this program. 

In order to be available to pick him up, I would not be able to make it to my Zumba class. A few months ago, I would have said "fine. I will miss Zumba." But this time I said no. I have plans on these nights. He was shocked. Maybe I was a little bit too. The mom who has always planned her own social and personal life around her kid's schedule, is saying no to an activity that conflicts with her own *GASP!* 

The truth is, I run him around to a variety of activities in locations up to 45 minutes away from home, several days a week. I work full-time during the week, and my time for me is limited to non-existent. I am taking back time for me. I can tell him no. Or he can ask his dad if he can be home early to take him/pick him up. I will continue to do everything I can to not miss a game, or special event. But I am a person too, and I need some time for me. It's my turn. This is my start. 

At least he won't have to resort to reading his Kindle in the car, waiting for me to come out of Zumba like I do for him....

Refreshed

I am feeling more "well-rounded" than normal today. And this time it is not because my muffin top has expanded. It is because I had the greatest impromptu "conversation" on facebook last night with two dear (understatement) friends of mine from college (undergrad.)

The best word I can think of to describe it is "refreshed." Admittedly, I am totally the guy with the beer gut and receding hairline at the 20 year-reunion reliving the one awesome play I had on the football field. The awesome one with the plaque commemorating it in the athletic display case of the front hall of the building. I still wear the jacket, albeit tight and tattered, and I still can remember how I felt when I realized everyone was cheering for me. Some people are over it and tired of my play-by-play, some are indifferent, but some jump right in with me and replay the moment. Except in reality, this moment was my 4 years away at college. I made some of the best friends, had the most collective amount of fun, and made memories that I will take to the grave with me.

Yesterday was a day full of chaos. Sick kid, both parents needed at work, executed a changing of the guards, and hubby as usual late to come home because of a dinner meeting. The weekend was spent tidying the house, finishing second grade homework, kid-tastic Halloween fun and dinner at the in-laws. Livin' the dream. I did not feel stressed, or put out. It just was. That is just what life currently is. A place where I am my husband's wife and my child's mom, or "the nurse at my school!" I am very rarely ever "just" me, in feeling or in recognition by others. And that is ok.

But these random bursts of "remember when?!" get me through. They give me pause and I realize that "I" am still here. This is not me saying I am unhappy or bored. What I have accomplished since my hayday of social peak is amazing to me. I am proud of every accomplishment in creating my own family, building a home, academic achievements, community outreach, etc,  I have had in these past 13 (ew) years.

Most of my friends from "back in the day" are also married, raising families, established in careers (or changing them.) We all have matured and nurture our offspring. We love our spouses, although most of us were not with that spouse at the time. Things change, people grow, but memories remain. And linger. And still have the ability to make me laugh til I cry as we rehash the ridiculous, often dramatic events that played out. One thing that was referenced within this conversation, was how the post-event gatherings at breakfast (or lunch) the next day where we would share each of our own recollections of the previous night were often more fun than when the events were actually occurring. The good stuff. The laugh-til-your-stomach-hurt-and-you-can-no-longer-form-words stuff. That's what is left. The negative drama is erased and we can live in the moment as adults seeing ourselves as "crazy kids." Awesome. And totally refreshing.

Thanks for the memories, friends :)

Helicopter

Recently, I saw someone on facebook "jokingly" refer to a parent as a "helicopter parent" and I became offended. This is a very dangerous term, and parents should not have to feel ashamed to speak on behalf of their children.

According to Wikipedia, the definition of a "helicopter parent" is a parent who pays extremely close attention to a child's or children's experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent)

I find this terminology offensive. Parents SHOULD pay extremely close attention to their child(ren)'s experiences and problems. PARTICULARLY at educational institutions. While I do feel that some parents cross a line at times, I also feel that often times some parents are afraid to speak up or "hover" and their children may suffer for it. 

When did we become a society that criticizes parents' involvement in their child(ren)'s education? I have never been called a helicopter parent (not to my face anyway,) but by wiki definition, I AM one. And I am proud of it. The short version of a long story, is that I have a child with high-functioning Autism. He is bright, energetic, full of life, and I will be his voice for everything he needs. But I teach him along the way. Someday he will need to advocate for himself. Someday he will outlive me. He needs to grow his own voice. But how can he learn to advocate for himself if he doesn't know how to or what is worth advocating for?

Do I storm into the school and demand meetings with teachers? No. Do I complain about test scores and accuse educators of not teaching well enough? No. Do I complain to teachers about homework? No. These are all expected trials and tribulations of the school culture. 

However, if my child is eligible for services that will help his ability to learn and function in a school setting, you bet your bippy I'll be the first one in line making sure he receives what he needs. If someone disagrees with me I do not yell. I do not send seething emails. I do research and find evidence to support my request and present it within the proper chain of command. And you know what?? I have been thanked and commended for this on multiple occasions by educators and specialists in our school. 

I pay extremely close attention to my child's experiences and problems (particularly in educational institutions) and I think we all should. I do not intend to call his college professors and complain when I do not agree with their grading or policies. However, I am teaching my son how to advocate so that he can do it for himself when the time comes. If something is not fair or right, we SHOULD advocate for ourselves and our children and NOT feel badly about it.

While I refuse to view my actions in a negative light, I do often find myself feeling badly that I am making more work for someone, or that I am being "that" parent for being involved. I have had discussions with other parents who feel like something was unjust in the classroom and they are afraid to say anything. "I don't want to be "that" parent," they say. I always encourage them to go with their gut and speak up. My personal policy is to sleep on it. Even type the angry email and delete it. Just to get it out. Then once clarity sets in, I have a clear mind to deal with the issue at hand in a calm and efficient manner. Problems get solved this way. 

So, call me what you want. I say advocate, you may say helicopter. But remember, some people say to-mah-to, and calling the whole thing off just isn't an option sometimes. 

Fender Bender

Hubby took the kiddo to Home Depot this morning to their first Saturday of the month kids' workshop for kiddo to make a bird feeder. Shortly after they left, I got a call from him that nobody was hurt, but they got into a minor fender bender. Car is damaged and needs repaired, but it is drivable and he was still headed to Home Depot.

He was calm, I was calm...neither of us seemed really bothered by the fact that the car was damaged. Kiddo came home and told me all about "the crash!" that occurred at a speed of less than 5mph with great enthusiasm. And we laughed about it. And it hit me. We are blessed, and didn't even need to remind ourselves this time. I think the strife we are dealing with in trying to do what is best for kiddo and his behavioral and learning needs, is actually teaching us something. Recently, someone was telling me something their kiddo was struggling with and it was hard, but "God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle." And I remember thinking, she's better than me because I feel beaten down by our situation. But today, I realized I am handling things. I may not be religious, or think anyone is handing me anything in life, but I am starting to finally roll with the punches and deal with things as they come.

We filed our claim, will see the adjuster this week, and get the car fixed. We will continue working with therapists and treatment team for the kiddo and get him what he needs. We are content and we are dealing. We are ok.

It was a weird way to come around to believing it, but now I do believe "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And for that, I am thankful.

Under the bus

So, my kid totally threw me under the bus yesterday at his annual physical (yeah, he just turned 7 1/2, but I am that awesomely organized that we missed his 7 year...whatevs, he's fine.) Here's the back story:

On Sunday afternoon, we went out to dinner with my brother, and the departure was somewhat chaotic, giving him directions, the kid not wanting to say goodbye, kid misbehaving in a parking lot...I got in the passenger side and had my purse and a hoodie across my lap. Hubby wrestles kiddo into his booster and we pull out of the parking lot. I shifted and realized in a panic I had never put on my seatbelt. I consider myself to be a non-judgemental person, but I will fight you hard core about the importance of seatbelts and helmets...Two shifts as a student nurse in a trauma neuro unit and working as an RN in a neuro recovery unit will do that to ya....I am never one to not buckle up.

I exclaimed "AH! I never put my seatbelt on!" and immediately buckled up. We then discussed how dangerous that was even for a short minute, and moved on...or so I thought.

As part of the physical the next day, the pediatrician runs down a list of safety issues that would pertain to the child's age. "You should always be in a booster seat with a seatbelt whenever you are in the car, right?" The answer? "Yeah, but my mom doesn't always wear HER seatbelt." The pediatrician turns to me with a disapproving look in his eyes as I nervously laugh and give a quick synopsis of the day before....he wasn't buying it. He then explained to my kid how he should remind his mom to always buckle up if she forgets. This guy totally thinks I am a repeat offender...AWESOME!

Oh well...at least it was reinforced how important seatbelts are and what a dolt mom was for not putting hers on...even if it was just one remote incident, I promise you. Buckle up!!

Simplify

I am trying to turn over a new leaf in our house. One of simpler times. One that includes spending more time in our home, not running around like crazy. With the exception of things we have to do like school, work, dr and therapy appointments, we have few other commitments outside of baseball and scouts. This allows us much more free time in our home.

I am even going so far as to re-purpose rooms in our house for hanging out. We are creating a reading/music room, a rec room in the basement. I look forward to working out in the yard this spring and summer to create a more inviting space with a garden, cozier furniture for gathering 'round the chiminea, etc.

I am trying to destroy this notion of "what are we going to do today?" The answer will already be there. You may read, play in the yard, jump on your trampoline, play with your toys....we do not have to create out of the home activities. We pay a lot of money for our home. Let's use it.

While it will initially cost money to re-create these spaces within our home, when we think about how much less we will spend on out of the home activities, the home improvements feel like a no-brainer. Imagine what we will save on gas, admission prices, impulse purchases, etc.

We have started small, in the past week by eating most of our meals at home rather than out, and letting the kiddo stay in his pj's for longer on days we are home. By not creating the hustle and bustle of 'starting our day,' the whole atmosphere is more relaxed and flowed with a 'we'll get there when we get there attitude.'

I have been inspired by friends and neighbors who spend much of their time at home. Their homes are neat, organized and not inundated by stuff. I have even found myself more recently searching for items in my home to re-purpose, rather than go out and purchase something. Even things as simple as gift wrap and cards can be invented from items we have in our home. Last week we baked based on ingredients we already had in the pantry and fridge.

I realize I am not spouting rocket science, and many of my readers have already been doing this all along. But it is new to us, and still exciting. I am sure boredom will hit, and I am certainly not ruling out vacations and trips to museums, movies, etc. It is just that in the typical day-to-day we are simplifying. I have more than I realized already at my fingertips. It is very refreshing!

Phone calls

I remember being a kid and going totally bonkers with my brother anytime my mom was on the phone. It was as if the word "hello?" triggered permission to do whatever we wanted with no repercussions. As if we thought she was transported into some alternate universe where she could no longer hear or see what we were up to. 

Well, now my kid (and dogs) do the same thing to me...ten-fold. Picking up the phone to do anything other than checking email or texting elicits every need my child has at any given moment to flood to his urgent surface. It is the exact moment he needs food or drink seemingly to survive, the dogs need to pee RIGHT THEN, and some random toy breaks into a gajillion pieces. Really?!

I use the phone for speaking rarely and sparingly because of this. How can these things transpire in the exact millisecond I begin forming the sound "h-" with my voice? If by rare chance I make it past the initial "hello," I often am asked if I "have people over" because it is so noisy. Nope. Just my ONLY child and my two 10-pound dogs and me trying to talk to you. 

The best part is that as soon as I say something like "well, I should be going" or something of the like, the kiddo panics and begs me NOT to hang up. Which leads me to further believe that he really does believe he is invincible and without consequence as long as I feebly attempt to accomplish something via phone. 

So, if you need to chat, I'll catch ya after we have him moved into his dorm room.....as long as the dogs don't start their pee-pee dance. For now, I shall leave it at 'text me.' ;)

Sharing and needs

I have decided to hit the blog again as "The Well-Rounded Mom," as my life has taken an unexpected turn. To recap my past several months, I have successfully completed nursing school, passed boards and am officially an RN. (Yay!) I got a job right out of school, which was fantastic, but I have had to resign.

Reality has hit, and an epiphany inspired by a conversation with a school psychologist has kicked me into full mom-mode. I have decided to take some time to be a full-time mom. He deserves it. He needs it.

My 7 year-old kiddo is diagnosed as having anxiety and sensory processing disorder. The by-product of these diagnoses is a super-sensitive kiddo who is affected  by everything in his environment. He is a "sensory seeker," meaning he seeks sensory stimulation in the forms of jumping, touching EVERYTHING, sticking objects in his ears, etc...the fun never ends in this house. He craves structure, routine and consistency, and providing that for him IS my full-time job at the moment. I feel for moms who have to work to make ends meet financially, while having a child like mine. Providing routine, getting to therapies and planning each detail of your kiddo's day down to the minute is exhausting and time consuming. And in addition to the planning, the kid is always into something...I use that phrase "into something" all of the time, because I have no other way to describe it. He just always is exploring and seeking, and anything may strike him. "Stop getting into things!" is my typically exacerbated plea.

Some may think or say "why does she share this??" I share this because there is no shame in it. It is what it is (another favorite phrase.) Cognitive and mental "illnesses" are the same as any other illness affecting the body. The stomach bug makes you vomit, neuro and brain illnesses cause your brain to work in a different way. End of story. I see plenty of people sharing the details of their respiratory, GI dysfunctions, and even cancer in public forums. Let's talk about our brains and nervous systems. We all have them.

I also hate the term "special needs." We all have needs. All of us. So why are my kiddo's needs special? They're not really. They are just his needs, like you have yours. And this is my point. This is our row to hoe. We embrace it.

Milestone

I have hit a major milestone in my war against being a work-out-of-the-home mom who regularly suffers from mommy guilt. I finally have let go. What did I let go of? The things that do not make or break me as a parent, student, employee, etc. I have been working 30+ hour weeks at all hours of the day. Day shift, evening shift, overnight shift....you name it and I have worked it in the course of the past 7 days. I have worked every day for at least 4 hours for the past 3 weeks. That means not a day has gone by without needing to be at school or at work at a specific time. For 3 weeks/21 days...while this may not sound extraordinary by any stretch, considering there are people in this world who never have a day off and work more than one job. But when I am not at school or at work, I am busy with appointments and evaluations with my son. I will spare details of what we are evaluating to protect his privacy, but we are making fantastic headway in discovering why he is so 'spirited' and has meltdowns on a regular basis.

So anyway, back to letting go...of what and when did I let go?? On Friday I was scheduled to work day shift while child was at school. It turned out I was not needed and they canceled me (so I lied, I had Friday off other than mom taxi.) Since I had worked the night before and didn't get home until 12, and had run around with the kiddo all day to appointments, I was feeling pretty beat. And that's when I had my epiphany. Kid was happily at school, husband was at work and TOLD me to get some rest on my new found 'day off' and the messes in my house could wait. The clothes could sit in the dryer, the dishwasher would be unloaded when I needed something and the world would keep on spinning.While I am fortunate to have a housecleaner who cleans kitchen, bathrooms and dusts and vacuums every other week, it is the every day stuff like dishes, laundry and grocery shopping that I fall behind on. Even with help, I cannot do it all. But on Friday, what I realized was what I had to deal with was more cosmetic than sanitary. Nothing bad would happen if I did not completely catch up on chores.

I tried to go back to bed, but that was just too much. I felt lazy. But lying on the couch with nothing but mindless Internet surfing and TV was just what the doctor ordered. I have been feeling too stressed out and wound up to sleep lately, plus with my random hours sleep has been elusive. But mindless rest was perfect. Other than making a few phone calls and lining up appointments, I did nothing. Glorious nothing.

I picked up kid from school at 3:00, we ordered in Chinese for dinner and I went to bed early. It was awesome! Saturday morning, I woke up at 8:30 (which is unheard of for me, since I am up and out of the house by at least 730 every other day of the week) and I was excited to enjoy a beautiful fall day with my family. We spent the day out and about and I came home for a nap and headed out for my night shift (hence the middle of the night post.)

I call this a milestone because it has taken me nearly my entire tenure as a nursing student-slash-mom to realize that I am doing a pretty damn good job at balancing 'everything.' Sure, I fall apart sometimes and miss things in my kid's backpack, but I am getting it all done. On my time. I do what needs to be done when it needs to be and everything else can wait until I get around to it. I feel like if I can keep on this track, I will be happier, rest easier, and be a better mom, student and employee. Here's hoping for a new trend :)

Happy New Year!

Tomorrow, my son begins second grade. I am left to wonder where has the time gone?? I do not mean this in a weepy, my baby is growing so fast sort of way, but rather in a really where has the time gone kind of way??

I feel like just yesterday I was living in my college campus apartment with my 4 roomies fighting over whose turn it is to wash dishes or buy toilet paper. Now, here I am 12 years later married with a kid and working on my second college degree PAST that one I was working on then.

I feel so fortunate to be able to look upon my life fondly, as many people have such hurtful pasts. I must give myself some credit for the work and dedication I have invested in myself and my family, but I also credit those around me who support all my crazy ideas and 'IT MUST ALL BE DONE NOW OR SOONER!' personality.

For me, the year runs from August-June. July and August are mere formality as we laze in the summer heat, and January is just another flip of the calendar to me. I look forward to the next few months, moving into the holiday season and FINALLY moving on into my new career. Come January, a new year will only be a number, but my life will finally be on its new path. Working in a career I love, with a kid in school and a blank slate to welcome whatever is next in store for me. I have some ideas, of course, but it is not in my nature to commit until the time comes.

But, DANG! Time really does fly. As many kiddos I know head back to school tomorrow or the following Monday, I wish you all a Happy New Year! Despite obstacles that may fling your way, ultimately YOU are in control of the path you take and the way you feel about it. The best vague, yet invaluable encouragement I have ever received is 'go do good things!' Ok, then! Don't mind if I do :)

Last leg

Tomorrow at 0700, I take the first steps on the final leg of the wildest and most fulfilling ride I have ever embarked on. It all began 3 summers ago when I was recovering from a reconstructive foot surgery and was online job hunting. Nothing in my field at the time was appealing to me and the wheels started turning. Somehow, I got into researching nursing degrees and 6 months later, I was a pre-clinical student taking my basic anatomy & physiology classes.

Nursing school itself is not my 'wildest ride,' but the fact that I did it in my thirties, making a total career change and with a child in tow. It has been a real game changer for me. I am happier, look forward to having a job and most importantly have a new found realization of just how strong and smart I am. I would have never realized my capacity to understand and love science and how the human body works. I also learned that stepping out of your comfort zone is very freeing, and I highly recommend it to everyone.

I feel a great sense of closure going into this final semester. This is the way it was supposed to go. I am in a great place and am ready to greet the challenges that lie ahead with a come hither attitude. I am not afraid. What will be, will be and I will adapt.

For the next 15 weeks, I will do my best to persevere, and be the best damn student nurse I can be. I will hold the attitude that I am capable and will not let anyone make me feel otherwise. After all, I have come this far and this was not for the faint of heart. Most importantly, I will do this for my family. If I am happy and confident and proud, I will lead by example. An example I am proud to set for my young son. An example that makes my husband proud to have a crazy spitfire of a wife.

I am buckled in, scrubs ready to go....I am off to help people feel better in their time of need....what a cool job! :)

'Do it all!'

I feel like as I approach my mid-30's, babies are the new weddings. My fridge is a revolving door of shower invites and newborn announcements. When we were in our mid-20's, that same fridge was a landing spot for wedding shower, bachelor/bachelorette, and wedding invites. It is funny how things change. 

However, it has me thinking...why did I do everything when I did? Most of my friends are around my age, give or take a few years. Yet, I was married first and have a kiddo going into the second grade while most of my friendly counterparts are seeking out preschools or taking birthing classes. 

Granted, some of these babies are second, third or (GULP!) fourth children, but even their elder kids are younger than mine. Why was I in such a hurry?? At the same time, most of these mamas are ready to take some time off or work after having had their careers for 10-15 years by now. I am only beginning in that sense. Which leaves me with the question, when did I become THAT girl?!? The one who has the kid(s) and then stalks out into the career force. Not for lack of education, or jobs to support my younger self, mind you. I just felt driven to 'DO IT ALL!' then like I have that same drive in a different way to 'DO IT ALL!' now. But did I 'DO IT ALL!' backwards?

Most of my male friends married and had kiddos later also. Likely because the women-folk weren't ready and waited it out, unlike me. I do not think I am in a bad place, I am just pondering how I got here. And wondering if I am the only one who is wondering where the time has gone and why I spent it the way I did. 

I adore my child. He is exceptionally bright, witty, and gives me something to ponder each and every day. In fact, while I predicted his math skills would surpass mine by the third grade, I was wrong. First going into second grade has done it. I shut down when he asked me to refresh his memory of the Fibonacci sequence just the other day. But none of this takes away from the fact that I am still me, and I can still wonder when I ended up on the path I did. 

I am curious to see what our next generation trends toward. My generation seems to have taken the 'I will do it all' attitude with careers first and then loads of babies (not me. I am still confused.) Perhaps, this next generation will study abroad on Mars and have alien babies? 

Birthday time!

Every year I say I'm not gonna do it, yet here I am again. The gears start turning once school lets out, and once the seed is planted, the planning extravaganza begins...yes, folks, it is time to celebrate the kiddo's birthday.

This year he turns 7, and I had been trying for a couple of months to convince him that we should do something really special and take a friend or 2 to an amusement park. Nah. Then we received an invitation from a lovely little girl in his class who was having a regular old traditional party (which I LOVE!!) and asked for donations for a local charity in lieu of gifts. When I mentioned this possibility, my typically empathetic to a fault child nearly crumbled at the thought of not receiving any gifts...but, alas, I suppose that is part of the magic at this age, so the typical birthday extravaganza is underway for mid-August. 

After last year, I swore NEVER AGAIN would I do such a party. It was a smashing success and was at our local YMCA, but we had to provide and set everything up. I ended up spending WAY more time and money than I needed to. I paid attention to details that nobody probably even noticed. But, we had an inflatable slide and a gym full of Mario Bros themed activities followed by cake in a room with about a gazillion helium balloons and carefully decorated cake table. Our cake baked by a dear friend was absolutely perfect, and a good time was had by all. But at the end of the day, I just dropped from the stress of preparation and baking dozens of yellow-frosted star cookies that the dear child said did not look like stars?!?!?

This year, I am taking the show to a bounce place that does not allow you to bring in anything from the outside. No balloons, decorations, snacks...everything you may want you have to purchase through them. Because they charge outrageous prices for things like balloons and themed decor, I went pretty minimal and will pay a flat rate per child. The only thing I am doing myself is the goody bags, which they do allow you to bring, and my dear friend will again provide the cake (Pokemon this year.) All we have to do is show up, party and leave. The only thing I overdid this year was probably the guest list. At over 20 children, I am hoping for either 15 or 20 (makes sense the way the pricing tier works.) With it being summer time and vacations, etc, I expect there will be people who will decline. But, the more the merrier, right?? Birthday #7, here we come!! (Next year will be smaller for sure...HA!!)

Summer

I used to hate the summer. I am not someone who enjoys the heat, and the lack of structure that seems to come with the season kind of stresses me out. But, these past few years, I have come to love it. Mostly, because I have returned to college with a rigorous curriculum and the summer is my only down-time.

However, having a kid home from school for the summer is exhausting!!! I work nights, so he goes to day camp the days after I work so that I can sleep. And I am only part-time, so I am home and awake most days with him home with me. I plan activities such as the pool, movies, bowling, day trips to the beach, playdates, parks, baking, crafts...he has been to baseball games, the circus....this child is busy most of the time. Not to mention the activities he has planned for him when he does go to camp.

So why do I get greeted each morning with 'what are we going to do today??' When I was a kid, we spent our summer days home, played with kids in the neighborhood and saw an occasional movie. We might go to the lake a few times, and always went on a week-long beach trip. But, the little day-to-day activities my kid gets didn't exist. We made ourselves busy. While I am sure I proclaimed my fair share and then some of boredom, I did not come to expect to have an action-packed schedule planned out for me day after day...

Perhaps this is where I have gone wrong. Well, today we are 'not doing anything.' He is currently playing with cars on a race track and surviving just fine. I am sure we will hit some bumps along the way, but it is what it is.

How do you keep your kids 'busy' in the summer??

Mean girls

Everyone has heard of the 'mean girls,' but do as many people realize that some of those girls grow up and become 'mean moms??' I do not mean mean in the sense that they are mean to their children, but to other moms.

It is a brutal world in mom-land!! What I am referring to is women who get in cliques in neighborhoods, schools, wherever and exclude moms AND the children from 'the outside.' I cannot help but wonder if these particular women are mean girls turned mean moms, or if this territory is new to them. I have been fortunate from a relatively young age to be able to decipher the good from the bad (the real from the fake) and be able to live my own way happily in spite of these women and their attitude that the world is theirs. In high school, I was a happy band geek who had plenty of friends, and in college had a great group of friends from various backgrounds and majors. I always had a core group, but always had friends in the periphery also. That is just me. I make friends where I go.

Which is why I find it so bizarre to enter a space, smile and say hello, only to have a bag placed on a chair indicating that it is 'saved,' or to have someone get up because 'that lady took so-and-so's spot.' WTF, people?! You are honestly going to teach your children to exclude people they don't know??? I feel sorry for them...not for you, because I see through you and your insecurities, but why teach this to your kids?

I am a proud, working mom of one. I do not fit any particular mold of being a mom, and I am ok with that. I have plenty of mom friends who do NOT participate in these behaviors. I also have made friends in school, at work, etc. I am not craving relationships with these 'mean moms,' but having my and my child's existence acknowledged would be nice.

I will continue to teach my child to make friends where he goes and to be proud that he can enter any situation and quickly make friends. This will get him far in life. What will become of the kids who will inevitably end up split up from their neighbor friends, or cousins somewhere along the line? Hopefully a kid like mine will offer a friendly smile and invite them to play.

Con'grad'ulations!

Tomorrow is what would have been my graduation day from nursing school. I am planning to go to the ceremony, but I will not be one of the names called. My final round has been slightly delayed.

I have spent a lot of the past couple of months comforting people on MY failure to complete school this semester. It is really ok. I am in a different place. I have been here before. This degree will be another notch on my belt, and I am already in the works of setting up the next one.

I am truly, 100% ok with all of this. I have worn the silly outfit and posed for pitcures. My name has been mispronounced and I have shaken hands with big wigs of the colleges I attended. My previous diplomas are packed away and their evidence is accessed only in the form of an occasional transcript request.

I am, however, so proud of the individuals who WILL have their names mispronounced, while shaking hands in a silly outfit tomorrow. For many of my nursing schoolmates, this is their first time as a college graduate. They will officially be able to refer to themselves as college graduates. And that is what tomorrow is all about.

It is not about the long nights of studying and countless hours spent scouring patient charts. It is not about passing all of the exams and jumping through hoops and attending seminars. It is about the pride that went into it and your final prize, your diploma.

And my unsolicited advice to all of them?? Enjoy the day. Remember that it is not all about you, but also the family and friends who loved and supported you through it. While this day feels HUGE right now, it will eventually fade into a distant memory. But nobody can ever take this away from you. You earned it. You persevered through what you may have at times considered impossible.

Finally, this is ONLY a beginning. No matter where your journey to here began, this day is not the end of anything. It is a new beginning and a new journey lies ahead. I hope the journey is smooth and leads where you hoped it would. But always remember, no matter what, you did THIS.

Time

I called my husband in a panic this morning after a chiropractor appointment. You see, the good dr told me it would take time to fix my back...and I freaked!! You mean, you won't just adjust me and fix me NOW?! What is wrong with you?!

He recommended a therapy that would last 5-6 weeks and I may actually feel worse before I feel better. WHAT?! NO! I don't have time for this. So I left, and frantically phoned my husband who told me to go back to our family doc, get a second opinion and we'd go from there. How did he say that like it is ok???? I yelled/cried to him that I won't be able to go back today, and then they will order studies that will take time...I don't have time for that?!

And what if this and what if that? And the house is a mess and I can't clean it because of my back...and what if I can't work? This was the worst one...to which he responded, 'take this one thing at a time. you're jumping all over the place.' And I had nothing to say back to that. All my ranting and raving, and it NEVER occurred to me to take this one 'thing' at a time.

Some people in my life will tell me I just take on too much. Or that I need to slow down. Or that I need to appreciate what I have. 'Smell the roses,' my mom says....but that's not me. It is like taking someone who is critically shy and handing them a microphone in a crowded room. They are going to panic. That is just them.

When you tell me I am being forced to slow down, I panic. So, I started to calm down, made myself a list and made some phone calls. Doctor ordered a test which will be done tomorrow and new meds to help in the meantime. I am ok with that. I feel like I am about to embark on a wild ride, but am humbled by 'take one thing at a time.'

Perhaps it is time for that adult-onset ADHD testing too...

Simple

My 6 year-old is pretty well-traveled for his age. He has been to Jamaica, Disney, San Diego, skiing in Colorado and most of the east coast. But you know what is awesome?? That he told me today was 'the best day of my life!'

Today was a random teacher in-service day, and I wanted to do something fun. I had several plans in mind, but have been laid up with a pulled back muscle which made me reign in the idea of a trip to the beach or Philly. So, I looked fairly local and decided on a teeny tiny zoo and the ever popular (free) Herrs Factory Tour.

Now, mind you, this kid has been to the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park. We stayed in a 'savannah view' room at the Animal Kingdom lodge in Disney with giraffes and zebras grazing feet from our balcony. The zoo we went to today is a little hole-in-the-wall zoo that is perfect for little ones who like to feed the animals. The 'reptile house' consists of a little room with a few aquarium tanks in it. But he loved it. He walked alongside cage-free peacocks, fed goats, sheep and prairie dogs (MY personal favorite,) and stared in awe at a 20 ft/200 pound Burmese python.

We killed the zoo in about an hour, admired an ordinary duck in an ordinary pond, and headed to the Herrs factory, which happened to be on our way home. We caught a tour, and grabbed hot dogs along with our free chips for lunch. We picked out some snacks to take home from the gift shop (I am curious what is wrong with my 'OOPS!' pretzel nuggets, but at 50 cents a bag, I got 4) and headed home. He even cooperated with me when I wanted to stop at the grocery store to grab something to make for dinner.

I loved this time with him. We lead such chaotic, expensive lives...it was nice to take pleasure in something so simple. And the fact that he truly enjoyed it was just perfect. I even reasoned with him in the gift shops at both places. He wanted to buy something, and couldn't even think of what he could possibly want. He found a plush stuffed potato at Herrs that he felt he couldn't live without, and I asked him what he would do with it. He said 'nothing' and put it back without any further prompting. Wow!

Today, I feel like I have done something right in raising my kid. Even though he has had some pretty grand adventures and can navigate airport security like a seasoned business traveler, he still takes pride and interest in simple activities. He was engaged in the factory tour, listened to descriptions about animals and learned a bit about endangered species...He was genuinely interested. And that makes me proud. Not only of him, but of myself.

3 days

I have been out of commission since Sunday when I suddenly and randomly threw my back out. When it was not better by Monday morning, I went to my doctor....I am not one to sit around and not get help. She  gave me some meds and said if I wasn't better in 3 days, I should call them. 3 DAYS!!!

Does she know how long 3 days is??? That is an exorbitantly long time for me!!! I asked her if I could 'push through' the pain as I can tolerate it and her response was 'if it hurts, don't do it.' So by that standard I cannot walk or stand. UGH!!!!

While I am feeling somewhat better today, feeling more stiff than in pain, I am going to heed the warning of 'if it hurts, don't do it,' as I cannot afford to get worse.

So 3 days of laundry I was already behind on piles up, husband is losing hours at work since he took the day off to drive me to the doctor and is currently being dad taxi for our son, we have no real food in our house because I was going to grocery shop on Monday, AND I'm bored. I JUST finished school, so I have no reading to catch up on, no test to study for...I could fun read or watch TV, but apparently the luster of sitting and doing these things fizzles after day 1. And my Kindle battery is dead and I can't bend to plug it in :(

Unfortunately, I am no stranger to debilitating injury. A reconstructive foot surgery a few summers ago laid me up for months. Not to mention the previous fractures that put me in cast and crutches and lead to the surgery. But once I overcame all of that, I looked forward to good health and fitness. Nursing school derailed that notion, and I was just now getting back into my groove. And I am a horrible patient. A wretched, nasty, mean patient who is not pleased with anything anyone does under the guise of 'help.' I want to do everything myself. A weakness and a strength, in my opinion ;)

The theme of my day today feels lazy and BLEH! and I just want to get better. I wish I could have an outlook of short vs long term, but the right now feels like forever. Here's to getting better and staying that way...in 3 days or less!