Pieces

My first week back to school was not so bad. For me, it is much of the same as far as school goes, and maybe even a bit lighter load than I have had to deal with in the past year. It also helps that GRADUATION in MAY is the light at the end of this crazy tunnel! Woo!!!

The thing I am struggling with most is my child's reaction to all of this. He seems to be taking this semester particularly hard. Probably since he has seen me put through the ringer these past 2 years. I wish I could assure him that it is going to be ok, and the end is in sight. I also hope that someday he looks back and realizes that yes, I have done this for me, but also for him. I did not feel fulfilled where I was in my life, and attending nursing school has helped me feel more complete. Not in the sense that motherhood has not 'completed' me, but more like I never was sure what I wanted to be when I 'grew up.' Now I have a path. My child will not be a child forever, and what will I do as he comes into his own and doesn't need me RIGHT by his side anymore? He was already school aged when I hit this full-steam-ahead, and I felt like it would be ok. And it will be and it is, but it is still hard.

I do not consider my needs selfish by any stretch. In fact, part of my drive to learn is propelled by my ambition to reach out and help others. But, I cannot help but wonder if deep down I am looking to reach out to others so I do not have to deal with what is right in front of me? Is it easier to help others than to help myself? Is this a cop-out or am I genuine? I feel genuine, but I am sure a psych expert would have a field day with my brain. Oh well...I shall keep on keepin' on with my heart in the right place. And I shall continue to hope that all of the other pieces fall into place....

Reality

I am blogging this evening hoping to be able to keep up with my daily entries, but knowing our lives as we know it are about to go into a tailspin. Tomorrow, I begin my fourth and final semester of nursing school. In my blogs, I speak a lot about pushing forward and going for it, but there is a more realistic side to all of that. That is, I am a mom. And while I take pride in my work outside of the home, I do have 'work' in the home that will be neglected. Fortunately, the child begins his bedtime rituals around 7pm on nights like tonight when we eat dinner at a decent time. On his way up tonight, I went to give him a hug and kiss and felt my stomach drop when I realized I wouldn't be here in the morning when my warm, bedheaded little man in his fleecy jammies woke up.

I am going to miss his first bleary eyed look at his world for the day. I will not be the one dropping him off at school, daddy will make his pb&j, and he will have to go to extended care both before and after school. This is the downside to the fast-paced lives I speak of us choosing for ourselves. While I truly feel all of the 'go-gettum' words I have blogged in the past few weeks, I need my followers to know that I do indeed have a warm spot for being a mom. And telling my little man that I would TRY to get to school by 5:00 to pick him up tomorrow just about broke me.

Believe it or not, the most gut-wrenching part of the whole situation is when he understands that I will be late, unable to be reading mom for a while, and otherwise be distracted. Part of me feels that it is realistic for him to accept these things, but the other part wishes he didn't have to wonder what time mommy is coming to pick me up.

I can drop off and change this all in one swift move. I can end it all by giving up on my career and staying home full-time. Pop out a few more babies, drive a Honda Odyssey and head back to a world of play groups and story hours. But that's not me. And what kind of mom would I be if I were miserable?

I love my child more than anything. And in order to give him what he deserves, I will put on my big girl panties and face the world as a professional tomorrow. And that pride I will feel dressed in slacks and an embroidered lab coat bright and early, will stay with me as I push through my day 'making it all work.' I will pick him up at the end of the day and beam with pride as he tells me all about his day and ponders my daily 'did you do anything cool today?'

Will I miss the morning cuddles I have enjoyed that past few weeks? Will I miss his morning ritual of watching Sprout while he eats his breakfast? Of course (except for Caillou, I really can't stand that whiny kid...) But reality sets in, and he must go be a first grader and I will be me. I will be me so I can be better for him.

Peppermint Mocha

I have a confession: we give our hyperactive 6 year-old coffee. Crazy? Maybe. Smart? Maaaayyybeee...While all sorts of evaluations have said otherwise, it does not take a trained individual to see that our child is at the very least 'different' from others. He has endless energy and is active from the second he wakes up in the morning until his little body succumbs to the heavy lure of sleep each night. I am not exaggerating. If he is not engaged in an activity and left to his own devices, he can create some serious damage. The problem seems  to be that his brain just never stops generating exciting new thoughts and ideas. While he is proven to be of higher than average intelligence, nobody has been able to tell us how to help him harness and focus all of this intellect, so we troubleshoot ourselves. 

One of the things we discovered while attempting to have a quiet, lazy weekend morning was that he likes coffee. He would always ask for a sip and would stop in his tracks and savor it. So, using my limited knowledge of children with hyperactive disorders is that some treatments include giving the children stimulants. While I am not against medicating my child, I am a parent who would like to exlpore all options before resorting to it. So, I said to my husband, just make him a cup. We made a K-cup, poured him about a third of it and added skim milk and a dash of sugar. He took his plastic mug emblazened with his name in puff-paint, wrapped his little hands around it and sat down on a windowsill. He sat there savoring each sip and staring out the window. It was like we were having some sort of breakthrough. This is the child who is incapable of watching shows with commercials because once his concentration is interrupted, he loses all interest. This was five minutes of pure, non-hyper activity. Sitting. Still. And quiet....a true breakthrough. 

We try to not schedule anything on our weekends. Our weekdays are so fast-paced with so little family time, that our weekends are ours. Especially the mornings. From our 0700 wake-up until about 1100 when child starts hounding us for lunch, we chill. And all of that kicks off with all of us enjoying a cup o' joe. 

The moral of this story is, if you come to my house and my kid asks for a 'peppermint mochO' and I oblige, do not judge me. His favorite coffee is Green Mountain Organic Sumatran Reserve...Folgers just doesn't cut it. And he LOVES Coffeemate Sugar-free Peppermint Mocha (I am honestly more concerned about the artificial sweetener than the coffee.) This cup of goodness gives us a good 5 minutes of quiet followed by about 30 minutes of chill child. Let us have our precious lazy time. And let him have his peppermint mocha. 

Chaos

I like to describe my life as living in 'organized chaos.' It is chaotic and cluttered, but each day I manage to get everyone where they need to be (and on time,) make sure everybody has at least 2 healthy home-prepared meals, and fulfill the obligations I have committed myself and my son too...my husband can fulfill his own ;)

I have been questioned by people close to me 'maybe you have too much going on?' Too much? How much is too much? My husband and I work as a team (as much as his job can afford him the time,) he works full-time, I am in school full-time, and our son attends first grade and takes private violin lessons. I do not see what can be cut from there. If I weren't in school full-time, I'd be working full-time. This is what we have chosen. No, I do not have to work to fulfill our financial obligations, but it sure is nice to have that option in our back pocket. Why not be prepared? And I love to learn, volunteer, work with others....that is who I am.

We also have a child who is very much full of life and is constantly on the go exploring his world. Yes, he is loud, into EVERYTHING and making a mess, but am I supposed to put the kabosh on that?? Should I put on a constant stream of Netflix and let him stew?

We have 2 dogs and a hamster. The hamster is upstairs and doesn't need anything except a daily feeding and a clean cage once every few weeks. The dogs are under foot and like to bark and play, but we enjoy them. They make us laugh, bring joy and help teach our son how to care for and nurture something.

So, while I agree that we have a lot going on, I do not agree that it is 'too much.' We live our lives. That's what they're for, right?! I do not want to ever look back upon my life and say 'I should've gone for it.' If there is something I am unable to do for a reason, that is one thing, but if I could and I just didn't?? That would be regret. And I avoid the possibility of regret at all costs.....even if it means living in 'chaos.' I will take my chaos and embrace it...after all, you never know what tomorrow brings, so GO FOR IT!!

Reading mom

This morning, I got the opportunity to be 'reading mom' in my son's classroom. It is a task I gladly volunteer to do, and try to get there at least once a month. The job is to take the children in the class out into the hall individually, listen to them read and briefly note their progress to the teacher. While I enjoy this opportunity as a former educator, my favorite part is getting to be an active part of my first grader's school day.

I got to witness him enter the class and find a silent reading book to start off his day, observe morning circle and watch as he gathered his day's 'work' and headed off to his chosen place in the room to get going....what I failed to mention here is that he attends a Montessori school, which is an alternative style to public school education. I got to watch him interact with his buddies, problem solve when deciding what to work on, and lay out on the floor with one of his teachers to work on a manipulative math assignment. I got to have conversations with his classmates and giggle over the silly parts of the stories they are reading...it was such a fantastic morning.

The best part of my morning though (besides the very public hug I received from him as I left the classroom) was the joy and pride I felt watching my little boy function so well in his little world. I feel so proud and fortunate to be able to afford him this education. It is not just a financial sacrifice, but also one of time, as we have a 35 minute one-way commute. I couldn't have found a better school for him if I had created one myself. I am so thankful that this amazingly smart, curious little boy my husband and I have created is in his own niche where he can be him and not stifled by structure and policy.

So, I walk with an extra bounce in my step today, extra proud of my precious little man, knowing that he is being cared for and nurtured in such a special way. I wish every parent could feel as happy as I do with our child's education....if only....

Quiet

While I adore my little family, I am ever so glad that my dear husband and child have returned to work and school. Even the dogs are more settled and curled up in balls in their sun spots as opposed to their usual neurotic barking-at-every-sound temperament.

I look around and see the wreckage that holiday break has left behind. Though I smile to see the gifts that were opened and evoked squeals of joy from my 6 year-old, and the new Kindle Fire that consumed my husband most of his days off around the house, I am glad to be able to finally straighten up the room and return to the usual clutter. I sit at my laptop perfectly content to prepare for my new semester, catch up on ignored e-mails, and otherwise get back to my same-old/same-old. Even though my laptop keys are click-clacking away and Infinity "MusicChoice" plays as my background, I still consider this to be quiet. I am not living in fear that this quiet means my son is hiding somewhere cutting his hair, or burning the end of a pencil in the lit candle in the bathroom (both true stories.) I can just enjoy and feel accomplished as I check away at my to-do list.

If you had a spouse and/or children returned to the grind this week, what will this change for you? Will routine go on as normal, do you miss the hustle and bustle of the season, or are you reveling in the calm as I am? I miss the family together-laziness, but will not miss the bored child deciding it would be a great idea to put small glass-ball ornaments in his mouth and spit them at the wall to see them shatter....another true story...I welcome the promise of a new calendar year and settling back into that crazy routine I complain about so much...part of me craves that constant movement...the other part will continue to sit here and enjoy the quiet :)

'Lucky'

I hate the word 'lucky' and choose to use it sparingly. I feel, however that it is overly and inappropriately used by many. Webster's dictionary defines lucky as "having good luck; happening by chance; producing or resulting in good by chance." I have been told that my husband and I are "lucky" because he makes a good salary that allows me the opportunity to be in school and not bring in any income. He also earned a degree from a well-known university and graduated number one in his engineering class. Is that lucky? Or did he earn his job due to hard work and perseverance? Also, am I 'lucky' to be a career-change student at 33 years old, or am I taking a risk?

I have also used 'lucky' used to describe fellow classmates of mine who utilize the G.I. Bill to fund their educations. Is that lucky? I think those individuals earn the right to use what they have earned by providing their service through the U.S. Military.

To me, luck is winning the lottery or having your name chosen to win a door prize. Our accomplishments in life are based upon on how much we put into them. People may feel down on their luck when things don't go their way, but overall, I feel that the term 'luck' should be reserved for things that truly happen by chance. I am sure that I have used the term lucky to describe earned fortunes in the past, but since I have been told I am 'lucky' to have some of the fortunes my husband and I have worked hard to EARN, I am very careful how I use the term.

So, next time you consider someone to be 'lucky,' consider what you are implying. While you may mean it as a compliment, you may be demeaning the value of what they have worked hard to earn.

Just my 2 cents ;)