Resolution

Hubby had a business dinner last night, so the kid and I had a date at Friendly's. I also got official confirmation yesterday from my new employer that yes, the job is mine and I begin in June. So what better time than over an ice cream sundae to let my little man know what is going on.

"Hey, bud, mommy got a job." *kid pouring sprinkles onto his ice cream* "Yeah, I know. I heard you on the phone.' ME: 'how does that make you feel?' Kid: 'It makes me feel happy for you. I mean daddy has a job and you're just in school all the time.' Me: 'I will be working in the middle of the night, so you won't even know I'm gone. Do you understand why nurses have to work in the middle of the night?' Kid: 'Well, people get sick all the time. At night too. You need to take care of them.' Me: 'That's right buddy. Mommy will take care of them.'

And that was it.....after months, well, years of agonizing over whether to work or stay home, my troubles melted away. My kid is not only ok with this, but he totally gets it! I have raised a child who not only sees that a world bigger than him exists, but he is ok and proud of my drive to help others...wow...

You cannot make this stuff up. This conversation went way beyond where I had expected it to go, AND my kid humbled me. Well, duh, you're a nurse, you help people, people are sick 24/7.

And all in the same realization, I came to the conclusion of WHY I am doing this. Even better, he sees that mommies AND daddies can work...holy moly...I hope this means I am raising a child who really gets it and will continue to do so. To this I say 'you're welcome' to the lucky lady he takes as a wife....

Clinical

Today, the friends I began nursing school with 2 years ago are experiencing their last day of the clinical portion of our program. I am honest to goodness thrilled for them, but I am sad that I am not among them. My time will come, but it is difficult to not be in full celebratory mode with them. 

This day, however, I have been very reflective of how I have evolved as a nurse in these past 2 years. I am particularly partial to the friends I shared my very first clinical rotation with because we all broke that barrier of fear together. We entered the floor with our eccentric nursing instructor, whom we followed like a row of ducklings and met our first 'primary nurse' who would be the RN who we would essentially shadow throughout the day. Our first assignments were to get signed off on doing vital signs (I laugh as I type this, because I could now do this asleep while standing on my head and juggling oranges with my feet,) and having a 'therapeutic conversation' with our patient. The conversation would basically consist of, how are you feeling? is there anything I can do for you? But at that time, it felt like the most daunting task we would ever perform. Now it is an organic occurrence that we do not even consider in our daily work.

Today, we stand as strong, confident *almost* RN's who think nothing of preparing medications, giving injections and making decisions that can change outcomes in our patients' course. We took a standardized comprehensive exam last week in preparation of our upcoming boards, and I am very proud of how much I have learned in such a short period of time. Even though I do not have all the answers, I have the tools to figure it out. And even more importantly, I am confident in the care I provide. 

For me, I am looking forward to beginning an intern program which will even more prepare me for my role as an 'all by myself' nurse. To my friends whom say goodbye to those nasty 2 year-old polos and navy scrub pants today, I wish you all the best. If you have made it here, you will make it anywhere...

Just please don't start pronouncing words funny when you become RN's...it's a CENTI-meter :)

Direction

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching as of late, and have come to the conclusion that the reason these past couple of years have been so difficult is because I swam out of the flow of the current. I have done everything at the right time all of my life, high school, college, marriage, career, grad school, child....then I entered this great void of 'what the hell do I do now?' I wasn't happy where I was, and I was fortunate to have the resources to make a change. And that puts me where I am today. 

I am still at a crossroads, but the signs are more clear and my GPS knows exactly where I am going. I had a slight detour putting off my graduation a semester, but that turned out to be the exit I never knew about with the really great restaurant and scenic view. I have been fortunate to have been offered a position in a program that does not hire nurses right out of school, but hires interns who can work into positions. Holla! To hell with the lemonade, I'm adding vodka to my lemons! Not only do I gain direction and a job, but I have been rewarded with a sense of moving forward. 

Someday I hope to be a director of nursing somewhere, with a couple of more degrees (in nursing, no more career change!!!) and look back at these blog entries and just laugh. Laugh at my worries, how I thought THIS was the hard part, and be thankful that I burst through the glass ceiling to get what I wanted. Too many people get so close to that ceiling, but are too polite or afraid to throw a rock at it. 

I have taken and continue to take risks. Nothing is certain, but you never know unless you try. I hope to prove a great example to my kid, by showing him that giving up is not an option. Even though my husband will never admit it out loud, I think even he has been inspired by my 'why not?!' attitude. But he is an engineer, so I will let him stay in his box with his zeroes and ones ;)

For now, I will keep on this crazy journey...at least now I know where I'm headed :)

Farewell facebook...we're breaking up ;)

Over the past several months, I have been stressed out to my maximum. While I realize my 'troubles' are not life-threatening, or devastating (well, some are,) I am having a highly difficult time dealing with them while under the non-stop pressures of being a full-time nursing student, mom and soon-to-be employee.

I have taken multiple measures as of late to decrease my stress, but no matter what I try I always feel like there is a monkey on my back shouting to me to take more on, be connected at all times...and that monkey is called facebook.

While I do not consider myself a social media addict, I am sure some people think I must be for the amount I am on it. But the real reason is, it is always there...on my phone, which I am tethered to, my laptop, which I am usually using for schoolwork or simply entertainment...it never sleeps. Facebook is always there, 24/7. I am always only a few clicks away from someone asking me for a favor, inviting me to an event, asking me to meet up with them....no more.

I have realized that my biggest stress buster will be taking a step back from facebook. I will wean away, as many people use it as the #1 way to reach me quickly. But those who know me and NEED me know how else to get in touch with me. Since I cannot say no to a well-intentioned cup of coffee, or a request to watch someone's kid for a 'playdate,' I need to just remove myself from the situation.

Will I start jonesing and need a good benzo to bring me down from my withdrawal? No. I simply removed the app from my phone, and I am halfway there. Now, when I am on the road and it is not worth the ride home, and I am at school 30 minutes early for pick-up, I will put my head back and relax. I will read my Kindle, listen to music...give MYSELF 30 minutes.

Nothing NECESSARY happens on facebook. If my son's school needs me, they will call. If my friends have a party and send out a fb invite, they will also text me if they want me there. My husband is not on facebook at all. I am not leaving fb, as I do have a great network of great people established. But I will use it as a means of occasional contact as opposed to the need to be constantly connected.

I am sure I will feel anxious at first, as I will feel like I am letting certain people down...not in the 'how will they survive if they don't know what funny thing matthew said on the way to school?!' sort of way, but just that spontaneous, 'hey, let me ask Erica...' and I am not there to respond sort of way.

I will still blog, as I find it very therapeutic, and it has even opened a couple of doors for me. I will still be tethered to my phone, just sans that blue f app on my front page. I think I will work on liberating myself from groupon next....nah, that's just crazy talk ;)

If you are someone who would like to keep me in your loop, my email is ericagoppold@gmail.com :)

Kindness

I have faced many struggles in the past 2 years as a full-time nursing student. Especially these past 3 months. I was horribly sick, there was a tragic loss in our family, and I had otherwise just had it.

Before then, I felt the stress just like everyone else, but I seemed to be able to take it better in stride. I would have a tantrum and move on. But I saw some of those around me crumble at other points as I feel I have this semester. My nature is to try to comfort people, and help them realize their worth. I feel like people should be less hard on themselves and realize how much they DO do right (if only I took my own advice!)

At the times I offered kind words and a shoulder to cry on, I never thought I would ever need to receive any of it in return. Never considered the idea of a payback, it is just what I do. But these past few months, I have received the most kind, well meaning wishes from those around me who saw I needed it.

Some of them were friends I knew I had, some were ones I didn't really know at all, and some were ones I once provided a comfort for. And those ones remembered what I had done for them. I always try to remember to thank anyone who listens to my sob story or points out my strengths, and this time when I did, some of the people told me how much they appreciated my being there for them.

What goes around truly does come around. While I was not and am not calling in any of my chips, I will never forget the thank-yous I received and the people who remembered my kind words for them. The moral of my story is, always pay it forward. Not so you can get it back when you need it, but so you can be more accepting of one's kindness when you need it.

I have met some of the kindest, most amazing people through nursing school. And I think each of us broke even just a tiny bit at SOME point. Some more obviously than others, but I cannot believe anyone in my class can say they never felt they had had it with school.

Our breaks were were not out of weakness, but of strength. It takes a lot of character to admit you cannot fulfill all requirements. They say it takes more muscles to frown than smile....it is ok to admit enough is enough. And we had a support system there to catch us. Let us always remember how we were there for each other. Nobody can ever understand what this has been like, except those of us who have been there. Our bonds go deeper than nursing school....we taught each other what it is like to be human.

Imperfect

Lately, I have been inspired by the notion of imperfection. If we face it, nobody is perfect. Nobody gets everything right all of the time. While I will not accept mediocracy as my norm, I am totally ok with being imperfect. To clarify, I consider mediocracy to be tied to less than optimal effort, as opposed to imperfect where I do/did my best and made some mistakes along the way. By striving for 'imperfection' I still give my all, but can be resolved by the imperfect outcomes.

When I began my blog, my intention was to share the honest, not so pretty side of being a working mom, who admittedly overextends herself. It is usually not pretty and hardly ever perfect. Then I happened to stumble across an organization on facebook that supports the 'imperfect' movement. They can be found at http://www.shutupabout.com/. Their full moniker is "Shut up about your perfect kid," as they were inspired by their less than perfect children. These women are 2 sisters who have children with psychological and Autism-spectrum disorders, and speak freely about how imperfect their lives are. However, being the motley crew they are, the website is directed to anybody who admits to being less than perfect.

I relate to them so much. I have a perfectly bright, eager to learn all he can child...but that comes with consequences. He becomes anxious, stressed and frustrated with even simple tasks. I study my life away to be a barely-B student (still holding onto that 3+ gpa though.) I have learned great lessons through this 'movement.' Embrace what you CAN do. Small accomplishments are still accomplishments. And for me personally, I need to work on accepting small victories as victories, regardless of how small.

Whether I relate this to my child, my parenting, being a student....even my marriage, I can find great comfort in the fact that it doesn't have to be perfect. As long as I worked to the best of my abilities and emotional allowance, I have done my job. This notion is also about honesty. I could brag all day about how bright my child is, how well I know my meds, and how I am successfully navigating a difficult nursing program. But I am honest, and will share the gory details.

This is not about having a bitch-fest. It is about sharing what most of us experience in our daily lives. It is about being real. My wish is that more people would join this movement and admit their imperfect lives. It is freeing. It is liberating. After all, 'the truth will set you free.'

Teachers

My son has forgotten to return his completed homework folder two Fridays in a row, I volunteered to help at a school event and recanted saying I had a forgotten a previous commitment only to recant yet again saying I had the wrong week in mind and I WOULD be there, and THEN I forgot Friday was our snack day and stopped at the grocery store at 0730 only to send in carrot-shaped bags of cheeseballs in a desperate attempt to send in a fun (albeit unhealthy) snack...

I can only imagine what the teachers must think. I am not being arrogant in this statement. They know my child well. They spend more waking hours per week with him than I do. They read his stories, see the art he creates, they hear his stories of what goes on at home. They have to have a picture in mind of what I am like. And I am horrified...

I used to teach. I know what teachers talk about in the faculty room....I cannot count how many times I have said 'I just don't understand how a parent can't know what is in their child's backpack!' 'I sent this home weeks ago, how could they forget?!' HA! I have pity on all their souls now.

Now someone can become irritated when I repeatedly forget our class snack day, my kid doesn't know if he is going to car line or extended care, or whether he really needs to wear glasses since he always seems to forget them.....does what go around really come back around? Was I destined to be the disorganized parent who doesn't even know what day it is because she is so involved in her own school work?

I find part of this comical since I know everything is ok, and my child is thriving at home and in school. But still, a little part of me wants to duck and hide when I see one of his teachers coming my way. If only they knew the turmoil I have trying to strike a balance between career and motherhood. If only they knew that the times I am the most frazzled, are the days I have over-extended myself volunteering my free time to my community....Nah...let them just see me for the hot mess I am. But please let them know it is all in the name of love...and I have been in their shoes and know how annoying I am ;)