I have hit a major milestone in my war against being a work-out-of-the-home mom who regularly suffers from mommy guilt. I finally have let go. What did I let go of? The things that do not make or break me as a parent, student, employee, etc. I have been working 30+ hour weeks at all hours of the day. Day shift, evening shift, overnight shift....you name it and I have worked it in the course of the past 7 days. I have worked every day for at least 4 hours for the past 3 weeks. That means not a day has gone by without needing to be at school or at work at a specific time. For 3 weeks/21 days...while this may not sound extraordinary by any stretch, considering there are people in this world who never have a day off and work more than one job. But when I am not at school or at work, I am busy with appointments and evaluations with my son. I will spare details of what we are evaluating to protect his privacy, but we are making fantastic headway in discovering why he is so 'spirited' and has meltdowns on a regular basis.
So anyway, back to letting go...of what and when did I let go?? On Friday I was scheduled to work day shift while child was at school. It turned out I was not needed and they canceled me (so I lied, I had Friday off other than mom taxi.) Since I had worked the night before and didn't get home until 12, and had run around with the kiddo all day to appointments, I was feeling pretty beat. And that's when I had my epiphany. Kid was happily at school, husband was at work and TOLD me to get some rest on my new found 'day off' and the messes in my house could wait. The clothes could sit in the dryer, the dishwasher would be unloaded when I needed something and the world would keep on spinning.While I am fortunate to have a housecleaner who cleans kitchen, bathrooms and dusts and vacuums every other week, it is the every day stuff like dishes, laundry and grocery shopping that I fall behind on. Even with help, I cannot do it all. But on Friday, what I realized was what I had to deal with was more cosmetic than sanitary. Nothing bad would happen if I did not completely catch up on chores.
I tried to go back to bed, but that was just too much. I felt lazy. But lying on the couch with nothing but mindless Internet surfing and TV was just what the doctor ordered. I have been feeling too stressed out and wound up to sleep lately, plus with my random hours sleep has been elusive. But mindless rest was perfect. Other than making a few phone calls and lining up appointments, I did nothing. Glorious nothing.
I picked up kid from school at 3:00, we ordered in Chinese for dinner and I went to bed early. It was awesome! Saturday morning, I woke up at 8:30 (which is unheard of for me, since I am up and out of the house by at least 730 every other day of the week) and I was excited to enjoy a beautiful fall day with my family. We spent the day out and about and I came home for a nap and headed out for my night shift (hence the middle of the night post.)
I call this a milestone because it has taken me nearly my entire tenure as a nursing student-slash-mom to realize that I am doing a pretty damn good job at balancing 'everything.' Sure, I fall apart sometimes and miss things in my kid's backpack, but I am getting it all done. On my time. I do what needs to be done when it needs to be and everything else can wait until I get around to it. I feel like if I can keep on this track, I will be happier, rest easier, and be a better mom, student and employee. Here's hoping for a new trend :)
