Milestone

I have hit a major milestone in my war against being a work-out-of-the-home mom who regularly suffers from mommy guilt. I finally have let go. What did I let go of? The things that do not make or break me as a parent, student, employee, etc. I have been working 30+ hour weeks at all hours of the day. Day shift, evening shift, overnight shift....you name it and I have worked it in the course of the past 7 days. I have worked every day for at least 4 hours for the past 3 weeks. That means not a day has gone by without needing to be at school or at work at a specific time. For 3 weeks/21 days...while this may not sound extraordinary by any stretch, considering there are people in this world who never have a day off and work more than one job. But when I am not at school or at work, I am busy with appointments and evaluations with my son. I will spare details of what we are evaluating to protect his privacy, but we are making fantastic headway in discovering why he is so 'spirited' and has meltdowns on a regular basis.

So anyway, back to letting go...of what and when did I let go?? On Friday I was scheduled to work day shift while child was at school. It turned out I was not needed and they canceled me (so I lied, I had Friday off other than mom taxi.) Since I had worked the night before and didn't get home until 12, and had run around with the kiddo all day to appointments, I was feeling pretty beat. And that's when I had my epiphany. Kid was happily at school, husband was at work and TOLD me to get some rest on my new found 'day off' and the messes in my house could wait. The clothes could sit in the dryer, the dishwasher would be unloaded when I needed something and the world would keep on spinning.While I am fortunate to have a housecleaner who cleans kitchen, bathrooms and dusts and vacuums every other week, it is the every day stuff like dishes, laundry and grocery shopping that I fall behind on. Even with help, I cannot do it all. But on Friday, what I realized was what I had to deal with was more cosmetic than sanitary. Nothing bad would happen if I did not completely catch up on chores.

I tried to go back to bed, but that was just too much. I felt lazy. But lying on the couch with nothing but mindless Internet surfing and TV was just what the doctor ordered. I have been feeling too stressed out and wound up to sleep lately, plus with my random hours sleep has been elusive. But mindless rest was perfect. Other than making a few phone calls and lining up appointments, I did nothing. Glorious nothing.

I picked up kid from school at 3:00, we ordered in Chinese for dinner and I went to bed early. It was awesome! Saturday morning, I woke up at 8:30 (which is unheard of for me, since I am up and out of the house by at least 730 every other day of the week) and I was excited to enjoy a beautiful fall day with my family. We spent the day out and about and I came home for a nap and headed out for my night shift (hence the middle of the night post.)

I call this a milestone because it has taken me nearly my entire tenure as a nursing student-slash-mom to realize that I am doing a pretty damn good job at balancing 'everything.' Sure, I fall apart sometimes and miss things in my kid's backpack, but I am getting it all done. On my time. I do what needs to be done when it needs to be and everything else can wait until I get around to it. I feel like if I can keep on this track, I will be happier, rest easier, and be a better mom, student and employee. Here's hoping for a new trend :)

Happy New Year!

Tomorrow, my son begins second grade. I am left to wonder where has the time gone?? I do not mean this in a weepy, my baby is growing so fast sort of way, but rather in a really where has the time gone kind of way??

I feel like just yesterday I was living in my college campus apartment with my 4 roomies fighting over whose turn it is to wash dishes or buy toilet paper. Now, here I am 12 years later married with a kid and working on my second college degree PAST that one I was working on then.

I feel so fortunate to be able to look upon my life fondly, as many people have such hurtful pasts. I must give myself some credit for the work and dedication I have invested in myself and my family, but I also credit those around me who support all my crazy ideas and 'IT MUST ALL BE DONE NOW OR SOONER!' personality.

For me, the year runs from August-June. July and August are mere formality as we laze in the summer heat, and January is just another flip of the calendar to me. I look forward to the next few months, moving into the holiday season and FINALLY moving on into my new career. Come January, a new year will only be a number, but my life will finally be on its new path. Working in a career I love, with a kid in school and a blank slate to welcome whatever is next in store for me. I have some ideas, of course, but it is not in my nature to commit until the time comes.

But, DANG! Time really does fly. As many kiddos I know head back to school tomorrow or the following Monday, I wish you all a Happy New Year! Despite obstacles that may fling your way, ultimately YOU are in control of the path you take and the way you feel about it. The best vague, yet invaluable encouragement I have ever received is 'go do good things!' Ok, then! Don't mind if I do :)

Last leg

Tomorrow at 0700, I take the first steps on the final leg of the wildest and most fulfilling ride I have ever embarked on. It all began 3 summers ago when I was recovering from a reconstructive foot surgery and was online job hunting. Nothing in my field at the time was appealing to me and the wheels started turning. Somehow, I got into researching nursing degrees and 6 months later, I was a pre-clinical student taking my basic anatomy & physiology classes.

Nursing school itself is not my 'wildest ride,' but the fact that I did it in my thirties, making a total career change and with a child in tow. It has been a real game changer for me. I am happier, look forward to having a job and most importantly have a new found realization of just how strong and smart I am. I would have never realized my capacity to understand and love science and how the human body works. I also learned that stepping out of your comfort zone is very freeing, and I highly recommend it to everyone.

I feel a great sense of closure going into this final semester. This is the way it was supposed to go. I am in a great place and am ready to greet the challenges that lie ahead with a come hither attitude. I am not afraid. What will be, will be and I will adapt.

For the next 15 weeks, I will do my best to persevere, and be the best damn student nurse I can be. I will hold the attitude that I am capable and will not let anyone make me feel otherwise. After all, I have come this far and this was not for the faint of heart. Most importantly, I will do this for my family. If I am happy and confident and proud, I will lead by example. An example I am proud to set for my young son. An example that makes my husband proud to have a crazy spitfire of a wife.

I am buckled in, scrubs ready to go....I am off to help people feel better in their time of need....what a cool job! :)

'Do it all!'

I feel like as I approach my mid-30's, babies are the new weddings. My fridge is a revolving door of shower invites and newborn announcements. When we were in our mid-20's, that same fridge was a landing spot for wedding shower, bachelor/bachelorette, and wedding invites. It is funny how things change. 

However, it has me thinking...why did I do everything when I did? Most of my friends are around my age, give or take a few years. Yet, I was married first and have a kiddo going into the second grade while most of my friendly counterparts are seeking out preschools or taking birthing classes. 

Granted, some of these babies are second, third or (GULP!) fourth children, but even their elder kids are younger than mine. Why was I in such a hurry?? At the same time, most of these mamas are ready to take some time off or work after having had their careers for 10-15 years by now. I am only beginning in that sense. Which leaves me with the question, when did I become THAT girl?!? The one who has the kid(s) and then stalks out into the career force. Not for lack of education, or jobs to support my younger self, mind you. I just felt driven to 'DO IT ALL!' then like I have that same drive in a different way to 'DO IT ALL!' now. But did I 'DO IT ALL!' backwards?

Most of my male friends married and had kiddos later also. Likely because the women-folk weren't ready and waited it out, unlike me. I do not think I am in a bad place, I am just pondering how I got here. And wondering if I am the only one who is wondering where the time has gone and why I spent it the way I did. 

I adore my child. He is exceptionally bright, witty, and gives me something to ponder each and every day. In fact, while I predicted his math skills would surpass mine by the third grade, I was wrong. First going into second grade has done it. I shut down when he asked me to refresh his memory of the Fibonacci sequence just the other day. But none of this takes away from the fact that I am still me, and I can still wonder when I ended up on the path I did. 

I am curious to see what our next generation trends toward. My generation seems to have taken the 'I will do it all' attitude with careers first and then loads of babies (not me. I am still confused.) Perhaps, this next generation will study abroad on Mars and have alien babies? 

Birthday time!

Every year I say I'm not gonna do it, yet here I am again. The gears start turning once school lets out, and once the seed is planted, the planning extravaganza begins...yes, folks, it is time to celebrate the kiddo's birthday.

This year he turns 7, and I had been trying for a couple of months to convince him that we should do something really special and take a friend or 2 to an amusement park. Nah. Then we received an invitation from a lovely little girl in his class who was having a regular old traditional party (which I LOVE!!) and asked for donations for a local charity in lieu of gifts. When I mentioned this possibility, my typically empathetic to a fault child nearly crumbled at the thought of not receiving any gifts...but, alas, I suppose that is part of the magic at this age, so the typical birthday extravaganza is underway for mid-August. 

After last year, I swore NEVER AGAIN would I do such a party. It was a smashing success and was at our local YMCA, but we had to provide and set everything up. I ended up spending WAY more time and money than I needed to. I paid attention to details that nobody probably even noticed. But, we had an inflatable slide and a gym full of Mario Bros themed activities followed by cake in a room with about a gazillion helium balloons and carefully decorated cake table. Our cake baked by a dear friend was absolutely perfect, and a good time was had by all. But at the end of the day, I just dropped from the stress of preparation and baking dozens of yellow-frosted star cookies that the dear child said did not look like stars?!?!?

This year, I am taking the show to a bounce place that does not allow you to bring in anything from the outside. No balloons, decorations, snacks...everything you may want you have to purchase through them. Because they charge outrageous prices for things like balloons and themed decor, I went pretty minimal and will pay a flat rate per child. The only thing I am doing myself is the goody bags, which they do allow you to bring, and my dear friend will again provide the cake (Pokemon this year.) All we have to do is show up, party and leave. The only thing I overdid this year was probably the guest list. At over 20 children, I am hoping for either 15 or 20 (makes sense the way the pricing tier works.) With it being summer time and vacations, etc, I expect there will be people who will decline. But, the more the merrier, right?? Birthday #7, here we come!! (Next year will be smaller for sure...HA!!)

Summer

I used to hate the summer. I am not someone who enjoys the heat, and the lack of structure that seems to come with the season kind of stresses me out. But, these past few years, I have come to love it. Mostly, because I have returned to college with a rigorous curriculum and the summer is my only down-time.

However, having a kid home from school for the summer is exhausting!!! I work nights, so he goes to day camp the days after I work so that I can sleep. And I am only part-time, so I am home and awake most days with him home with me. I plan activities such as the pool, movies, bowling, day trips to the beach, playdates, parks, baking, crafts...he has been to baseball games, the circus....this child is busy most of the time. Not to mention the activities he has planned for him when he does go to camp.

So why do I get greeted each morning with 'what are we going to do today??' When I was a kid, we spent our summer days home, played with kids in the neighborhood and saw an occasional movie. We might go to the lake a few times, and always went on a week-long beach trip. But, the little day-to-day activities my kid gets didn't exist. We made ourselves busy. While I am sure I proclaimed my fair share and then some of boredom, I did not come to expect to have an action-packed schedule planned out for me day after day...

Perhaps this is where I have gone wrong. Well, today we are 'not doing anything.' He is currently playing with cars on a race track and surviving just fine. I am sure we will hit some bumps along the way, but it is what it is.

How do you keep your kids 'busy' in the summer??

Mean girls

Everyone has heard of the 'mean girls,' but do as many people realize that some of those girls grow up and become 'mean moms??' I do not mean mean in the sense that they are mean to their children, but to other moms.

It is a brutal world in mom-land!! What I am referring to is women who get in cliques in neighborhoods, schools, wherever and exclude moms AND the children from 'the outside.' I cannot help but wonder if these particular women are mean girls turned mean moms, or if this territory is new to them. I have been fortunate from a relatively young age to be able to decipher the good from the bad (the real from the fake) and be able to live my own way happily in spite of these women and their attitude that the world is theirs. In high school, I was a happy band geek who had plenty of friends, and in college had a great group of friends from various backgrounds and majors. I always had a core group, but always had friends in the periphery also. That is just me. I make friends where I go.

Which is why I find it so bizarre to enter a space, smile and say hello, only to have a bag placed on a chair indicating that it is 'saved,' or to have someone get up because 'that lady took so-and-so's spot.' WTF, people?! You are honestly going to teach your children to exclude people they don't know??? I feel sorry for them...not for you, because I see through you and your insecurities, but why teach this to your kids?

I am a proud, working mom of one. I do not fit any particular mold of being a mom, and I am ok with that. I have plenty of mom friends who do NOT participate in these behaviors. I also have made friends in school, at work, etc. I am not craving relationships with these 'mean moms,' but having my and my child's existence acknowledged would be nice.

I will continue to teach my child to make friends where he goes and to be proud that he can enter any situation and quickly make friends. This will get him far in life. What will become of the kids who will inevitably end up split up from their neighbor friends, or cousins somewhere along the line? Hopefully a kid like mine will offer a friendly smile and invite them to play.

Con'grad'ulations!

Tomorrow is what would have been my graduation day from nursing school. I am planning to go to the ceremony, but I will not be one of the names called. My final round has been slightly delayed.

I have spent a lot of the past couple of months comforting people on MY failure to complete school this semester. It is really ok. I am in a different place. I have been here before. This degree will be another notch on my belt, and I am already in the works of setting up the next one.

I am truly, 100% ok with all of this. I have worn the silly outfit and posed for pitcures. My name has been mispronounced and I have shaken hands with big wigs of the colleges I attended. My previous diplomas are packed away and their evidence is accessed only in the form of an occasional transcript request.

I am, however, so proud of the individuals who WILL have their names mispronounced, while shaking hands in a silly outfit tomorrow. For many of my nursing schoolmates, this is their first time as a college graduate. They will officially be able to refer to themselves as college graduates. And that is what tomorrow is all about.

It is not about the long nights of studying and countless hours spent scouring patient charts. It is not about passing all of the exams and jumping through hoops and attending seminars. It is about the pride that went into it and your final prize, your diploma.

And my unsolicited advice to all of them?? Enjoy the day. Remember that it is not all about you, but also the family and friends who loved and supported you through it. While this day feels HUGE right now, it will eventually fade into a distant memory. But nobody can ever take this away from you. You earned it. You persevered through what you may have at times considered impossible.

Finally, this is ONLY a beginning. No matter where your journey to here began, this day is not the end of anything. It is a new beginning and a new journey lies ahead. I hope the journey is smooth and leads where you hoped it would. But always remember, no matter what, you did THIS.

Time

I called my husband in a panic this morning after a chiropractor appointment. You see, the good dr told me it would take time to fix my back...and I freaked!! You mean, you won't just adjust me and fix me NOW?! What is wrong with you?!

He recommended a therapy that would last 5-6 weeks and I may actually feel worse before I feel better. WHAT?! NO! I don't have time for this. So I left, and frantically phoned my husband who told me to go back to our family doc, get a second opinion and we'd go from there. How did he say that like it is ok???? I yelled/cried to him that I won't be able to go back today, and then they will order studies that will take time...I don't have time for that?!

And what if this and what if that? And the house is a mess and I can't clean it because of my back...and what if I can't work? This was the worst one...to which he responded, 'take this one thing at a time. you're jumping all over the place.' And I had nothing to say back to that. All my ranting and raving, and it NEVER occurred to me to take this one 'thing' at a time.

Some people in my life will tell me I just take on too much. Or that I need to slow down. Or that I need to appreciate what I have. 'Smell the roses,' my mom says....but that's not me. It is like taking someone who is critically shy and handing them a microphone in a crowded room. They are going to panic. That is just them.

When you tell me I am being forced to slow down, I panic. So, I started to calm down, made myself a list and made some phone calls. Doctor ordered a test which will be done tomorrow and new meds to help in the meantime. I am ok with that. I feel like I am about to embark on a wild ride, but am humbled by 'take one thing at a time.'

Perhaps it is time for that adult-onset ADHD testing too...

Simple

My 6 year-old is pretty well-traveled for his age. He has been to Jamaica, Disney, San Diego, skiing in Colorado and most of the east coast. But you know what is awesome?? That he told me today was 'the best day of my life!'

Today was a random teacher in-service day, and I wanted to do something fun. I had several plans in mind, but have been laid up with a pulled back muscle which made me reign in the idea of a trip to the beach or Philly. So, I looked fairly local and decided on a teeny tiny zoo and the ever popular (free) Herrs Factory Tour.

Now, mind you, this kid has been to the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park. We stayed in a 'savannah view' room at the Animal Kingdom lodge in Disney with giraffes and zebras grazing feet from our balcony. The zoo we went to today is a little hole-in-the-wall zoo that is perfect for little ones who like to feed the animals. The 'reptile house' consists of a little room with a few aquarium tanks in it. But he loved it. He walked alongside cage-free peacocks, fed goats, sheep and prairie dogs (MY personal favorite,) and stared in awe at a 20 ft/200 pound Burmese python.

We killed the zoo in about an hour, admired an ordinary duck in an ordinary pond, and headed to the Herrs factory, which happened to be on our way home. We caught a tour, and grabbed hot dogs along with our free chips for lunch. We picked out some snacks to take home from the gift shop (I am curious what is wrong with my 'OOPS!' pretzel nuggets, but at 50 cents a bag, I got 4) and headed home. He even cooperated with me when I wanted to stop at the grocery store to grab something to make for dinner.

I loved this time with him. We lead such chaotic, expensive lives...it was nice to take pleasure in something so simple. And the fact that he truly enjoyed it was just perfect. I even reasoned with him in the gift shops at both places. He wanted to buy something, and couldn't even think of what he could possibly want. He found a plush stuffed potato at Herrs that he felt he couldn't live without, and I asked him what he would do with it. He said 'nothing' and put it back without any further prompting. Wow!

Today, I feel like I have done something right in raising my kid. Even though he has had some pretty grand adventures and can navigate airport security like a seasoned business traveler, he still takes pride and interest in simple activities. He was engaged in the factory tour, listened to descriptions about animals and learned a bit about endangered species...He was genuinely interested. And that makes me proud. Not only of him, but of myself.

3 days

I have been out of commission since Sunday when I suddenly and randomly threw my back out. When it was not better by Monday morning, I went to my doctor....I am not one to sit around and not get help. She  gave me some meds and said if I wasn't better in 3 days, I should call them. 3 DAYS!!!

Does she know how long 3 days is??? That is an exorbitantly long time for me!!! I asked her if I could 'push through' the pain as I can tolerate it and her response was 'if it hurts, don't do it.' So by that standard I cannot walk or stand. UGH!!!!

While I am feeling somewhat better today, feeling more stiff than in pain, I am going to heed the warning of 'if it hurts, don't do it,' as I cannot afford to get worse.

So 3 days of laundry I was already behind on piles up, husband is losing hours at work since he took the day off to drive me to the doctor and is currently being dad taxi for our son, we have no real food in our house because I was going to grocery shop on Monday, AND I'm bored. I JUST finished school, so I have no reading to catch up on, no test to study for...I could fun read or watch TV, but apparently the luster of sitting and doing these things fizzles after day 1. And my Kindle battery is dead and I can't bend to plug it in :(

Unfortunately, I am no stranger to debilitating injury. A reconstructive foot surgery a few summers ago laid me up for months. Not to mention the previous fractures that put me in cast and crutches and lead to the surgery. But once I overcame all of that, I looked forward to good health and fitness. Nursing school derailed that notion, and I was just now getting back into my groove. And I am a horrible patient. A wretched, nasty, mean patient who is not pleased with anything anyone does under the guise of 'help.' I want to do everything myself. A weakness and a strength, in my opinion ;)

The theme of my day today feels lazy and BLEH! and I just want to get better. I wish I could have an outlook of short vs long term, but the right now feels like forever. Here's to getting better and staying that way...in 3 days or less!

Accomplished

It has been an arduous 2 years....it is an understatement to say nursing school is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I am getting it done...the hard part is over. For 2 years, I have gone to bed many a night with butterflies in my stomach and nerves of limp spaghetti, as I waited for another dreaded exam to be thrown my way. Today, I took my last one. All I face now is a final round of clinical in the fall semester, and pass my boards and my journey to RN is complete.

Today is a day of greatly mixed emotions for me. I am thrilled to be where I am, yet sad for where I could be all at the same time. See, this was supposed to be the final hurdle, and it is not. And while the choices I have made have helped me to get where I stand today, they also hold me back from realizing my original plan. I am also so very happy for all of my friends who DID cross that proverbial finish line today. We all came to nursing school for different reasons. Some right out of high school, some who started college but never finished, some with military backgrounds, some who need to support their families financially....I do not fit any of these molds. I was bored and needed a change. And a change I got. So no matter if my diploma says May or December, I DID this!

I am also humbled by how much knowledge has been instilled into my seemingly saturated brain. This is no ordinary 2-year degree. They cram stuff in until the gyri and sulci (those are your brain folds) seem to come undone and then they keep going....I felt like I was about to explode. And I did. All over today's final exam. And most of it came out right!

A few weeks ago we took a 180 question exam which was a comprehensive exam based on what our board exam will be like. I was fully impressed with how much I know!! What a great feeling it is to feel confident that not only have you chosen something you enjoy, but something that comes with such great and vast knowledge, that it just pours out of you when you need it. I guess those 'gate keepers,' as good friend of mine refers to them as, really do know what is best for us.

I am thankful for every tear I have shed over this time. Whether they were of sheer terror or joy, they helped shape me in some way. We could probably fashion a pretty good sized pond with all the tears the 100 +/- of us have shed over this time. Nobody told us this would be easy. We stuck together and held our heads high. Those of us who took the high road, will now reap the benefits of this new and exciting chapter...for me, it means going back to work and finishing up school, for some it means continuing onto the BSN, some getting a job and some just taking a well-earned break.

Whatever it means to each personally, it also means this leg of your journey is complete. And you never stand alone. There will always be a class of people who went through this with you. And they will always understand what it was like and how you ROCKED IT!!!

Resolution

Hubby had a business dinner last night, so the kid and I had a date at Friendly's. I also got official confirmation yesterday from my new employer that yes, the job is mine and I begin in June. So what better time than over an ice cream sundae to let my little man know what is going on.

"Hey, bud, mommy got a job." *kid pouring sprinkles onto his ice cream* "Yeah, I know. I heard you on the phone.' ME: 'how does that make you feel?' Kid: 'It makes me feel happy for you. I mean daddy has a job and you're just in school all the time.' Me: 'I will be working in the middle of the night, so you won't even know I'm gone. Do you understand why nurses have to work in the middle of the night?' Kid: 'Well, people get sick all the time. At night too. You need to take care of them.' Me: 'That's right buddy. Mommy will take care of them.'

And that was it.....after months, well, years of agonizing over whether to work or stay home, my troubles melted away. My kid is not only ok with this, but he totally gets it! I have raised a child who not only sees that a world bigger than him exists, but he is ok and proud of my drive to help others...wow...

You cannot make this stuff up. This conversation went way beyond where I had expected it to go, AND my kid humbled me. Well, duh, you're a nurse, you help people, people are sick 24/7.

And all in the same realization, I came to the conclusion of WHY I am doing this. Even better, he sees that mommies AND daddies can work...holy moly...I hope this means I am raising a child who really gets it and will continue to do so. To this I say 'you're welcome' to the lucky lady he takes as a wife....

Clinical

Today, the friends I began nursing school with 2 years ago are experiencing their last day of the clinical portion of our program. I am honest to goodness thrilled for them, but I am sad that I am not among them. My time will come, but it is difficult to not be in full celebratory mode with them. 

This day, however, I have been very reflective of how I have evolved as a nurse in these past 2 years. I am particularly partial to the friends I shared my very first clinical rotation with because we all broke that barrier of fear together. We entered the floor with our eccentric nursing instructor, whom we followed like a row of ducklings and met our first 'primary nurse' who would be the RN who we would essentially shadow throughout the day. Our first assignments were to get signed off on doing vital signs (I laugh as I type this, because I could now do this asleep while standing on my head and juggling oranges with my feet,) and having a 'therapeutic conversation' with our patient. The conversation would basically consist of, how are you feeling? is there anything I can do for you? But at that time, it felt like the most daunting task we would ever perform. Now it is an organic occurrence that we do not even consider in our daily work.

Today, we stand as strong, confident *almost* RN's who think nothing of preparing medications, giving injections and making decisions that can change outcomes in our patients' course. We took a standardized comprehensive exam last week in preparation of our upcoming boards, and I am very proud of how much I have learned in such a short period of time. Even though I do not have all the answers, I have the tools to figure it out. And even more importantly, I am confident in the care I provide. 

For me, I am looking forward to beginning an intern program which will even more prepare me for my role as an 'all by myself' nurse. To my friends whom say goodbye to those nasty 2 year-old polos and navy scrub pants today, I wish you all the best. If you have made it here, you will make it anywhere...

Just please don't start pronouncing words funny when you become RN's...it's a CENTI-meter :)

Direction

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching as of late, and have come to the conclusion that the reason these past couple of years have been so difficult is because I swam out of the flow of the current. I have done everything at the right time all of my life, high school, college, marriage, career, grad school, child....then I entered this great void of 'what the hell do I do now?' I wasn't happy where I was, and I was fortunate to have the resources to make a change. And that puts me where I am today. 

I am still at a crossroads, but the signs are more clear and my GPS knows exactly where I am going. I had a slight detour putting off my graduation a semester, but that turned out to be the exit I never knew about with the really great restaurant and scenic view. I have been fortunate to have been offered a position in a program that does not hire nurses right out of school, but hires interns who can work into positions. Holla! To hell with the lemonade, I'm adding vodka to my lemons! Not only do I gain direction and a job, but I have been rewarded with a sense of moving forward. 

Someday I hope to be a director of nursing somewhere, with a couple of more degrees (in nursing, no more career change!!!) and look back at these blog entries and just laugh. Laugh at my worries, how I thought THIS was the hard part, and be thankful that I burst through the glass ceiling to get what I wanted. Too many people get so close to that ceiling, but are too polite or afraid to throw a rock at it. 

I have taken and continue to take risks. Nothing is certain, but you never know unless you try. I hope to prove a great example to my kid, by showing him that giving up is not an option. Even though my husband will never admit it out loud, I think even he has been inspired by my 'why not?!' attitude. But he is an engineer, so I will let him stay in his box with his zeroes and ones ;)

For now, I will keep on this crazy journey...at least now I know where I'm headed :)

Farewell facebook...we're breaking up ;)

Over the past several months, I have been stressed out to my maximum. While I realize my 'troubles' are not life-threatening, or devastating (well, some are,) I am having a highly difficult time dealing with them while under the non-stop pressures of being a full-time nursing student, mom and soon-to-be employee.

I have taken multiple measures as of late to decrease my stress, but no matter what I try I always feel like there is a monkey on my back shouting to me to take more on, be connected at all times...and that monkey is called facebook.

While I do not consider myself a social media addict, I am sure some people think I must be for the amount I am on it. But the real reason is, it is always there...on my phone, which I am tethered to, my laptop, which I am usually using for schoolwork or simply entertainment...it never sleeps. Facebook is always there, 24/7. I am always only a few clicks away from someone asking me for a favor, inviting me to an event, asking me to meet up with them....no more.

I have realized that my biggest stress buster will be taking a step back from facebook. I will wean away, as many people use it as the #1 way to reach me quickly. But those who know me and NEED me know how else to get in touch with me. Since I cannot say no to a well-intentioned cup of coffee, or a request to watch someone's kid for a 'playdate,' I need to just remove myself from the situation.

Will I start jonesing and need a good benzo to bring me down from my withdrawal? No. I simply removed the app from my phone, and I am halfway there. Now, when I am on the road and it is not worth the ride home, and I am at school 30 minutes early for pick-up, I will put my head back and relax. I will read my Kindle, listen to music...give MYSELF 30 minutes.

Nothing NECESSARY happens on facebook. If my son's school needs me, they will call. If my friends have a party and send out a fb invite, they will also text me if they want me there. My husband is not on facebook at all. I am not leaving fb, as I do have a great network of great people established. But I will use it as a means of occasional contact as opposed to the need to be constantly connected.

I am sure I will feel anxious at first, as I will feel like I am letting certain people down...not in the 'how will they survive if they don't know what funny thing matthew said on the way to school?!' sort of way, but just that spontaneous, 'hey, let me ask Erica...' and I am not there to respond sort of way.

I will still blog, as I find it very therapeutic, and it has even opened a couple of doors for me. I will still be tethered to my phone, just sans that blue f app on my front page. I think I will work on liberating myself from groupon next....nah, that's just crazy talk ;)

If you are someone who would like to keep me in your loop, my email is ericagoppold@gmail.com :)

Kindness

I have faced many struggles in the past 2 years as a full-time nursing student. Especially these past 3 months. I was horribly sick, there was a tragic loss in our family, and I had otherwise just had it.

Before then, I felt the stress just like everyone else, but I seemed to be able to take it better in stride. I would have a tantrum and move on. But I saw some of those around me crumble at other points as I feel I have this semester. My nature is to try to comfort people, and help them realize their worth. I feel like people should be less hard on themselves and realize how much they DO do right (if only I took my own advice!)

At the times I offered kind words and a shoulder to cry on, I never thought I would ever need to receive any of it in return. Never considered the idea of a payback, it is just what I do. But these past few months, I have received the most kind, well meaning wishes from those around me who saw I needed it.

Some of them were friends I knew I had, some were ones I didn't really know at all, and some were ones I once provided a comfort for. And those ones remembered what I had done for them. I always try to remember to thank anyone who listens to my sob story or points out my strengths, and this time when I did, some of the people told me how much they appreciated my being there for them.

What goes around truly does come around. While I was not and am not calling in any of my chips, I will never forget the thank-yous I received and the people who remembered my kind words for them. The moral of my story is, always pay it forward. Not so you can get it back when you need it, but so you can be more accepting of one's kindness when you need it.

I have met some of the kindest, most amazing people through nursing school. And I think each of us broke even just a tiny bit at SOME point. Some more obviously than others, but I cannot believe anyone in my class can say they never felt they had had it with school.

Our breaks were were not out of weakness, but of strength. It takes a lot of character to admit you cannot fulfill all requirements. They say it takes more muscles to frown than smile....it is ok to admit enough is enough. And we had a support system there to catch us. Let us always remember how we were there for each other. Nobody can ever understand what this has been like, except those of us who have been there. Our bonds go deeper than nursing school....we taught each other what it is like to be human.

Imperfect

Lately, I have been inspired by the notion of imperfection. If we face it, nobody is perfect. Nobody gets everything right all of the time. While I will not accept mediocracy as my norm, I am totally ok with being imperfect. To clarify, I consider mediocracy to be tied to less than optimal effort, as opposed to imperfect where I do/did my best and made some mistakes along the way. By striving for 'imperfection' I still give my all, but can be resolved by the imperfect outcomes.

When I began my blog, my intention was to share the honest, not so pretty side of being a working mom, who admittedly overextends herself. It is usually not pretty and hardly ever perfect. Then I happened to stumble across an organization on facebook that supports the 'imperfect' movement. They can be found at http://www.shutupabout.com/. Their full moniker is "Shut up about your perfect kid," as they were inspired by their less than perfect children. These women are 2 sisters who have children with psychological and Autism-spectrum disorders, and speak freely about how imperfect their lives are. However, being the motley crew they are, the website is directed to anybody who admits to being less than perfect.

I relate to them so much. I have a perfectly bright, eager to learn all he can child...but that comes with consequences. He becomes anxious, stressed and frustrated with even simple tasks. I study my life away to be a barely-B student (still holding onto that 3+ gpa though.) I have learned great lessons through this 'movement.' Embrace what you CAN do. Small accomplishments are still accomplishments. And for me personally, I need to work on accepting small victories as victories, regardless of how small.

Whether I relate this to my child, my parenting, being a student....even my marriage, I can find great comfort in the fact that it doesn't have to be perfect. As long as I worked to the best of my abilities and emotional allowance, I have done my job. This notion is also about honesty. I could brag all day about how bright my child is, how well I know my meds, and how I am successfully navigating a difficult nursing program. But I am honest, and will share the gory details.

This is not about having a bitch-fest. It is about sharing what most of us experience in our daily lives. It is about being real. My wish is that more people would join this movement and admit their imperfect lives. It is freeing. It is liberating. After all, 'the truth will set you free.'

Teachers

My son has forgotten to return his completed homework folder two Fridays in a row, I volunteered to help at a school event and recanted saying I had a forgotten a previous commitment only to recant yet again saying I had the wrong week in mind and I WOULD be there, and THEN I forgot Friday was our snack day and stopped at the grocery store at 0730 only to send in carrot-shaped bags of cheeseballs in a desperate attempt to send in a fun (albeit unhealthy) snack...

I can only imagine what the teachers must think. I am not being arrogant in this statement. They know my child well. They spend more waking hours per week with him than I do. They read his stories, see the art he creates, they hear his stories of what goes on at home. They have to have a picture in mind of what I am like. And I am horrified...

I used to teach. I know what teachers talk about in the faculty room....I cannot count how many times I have said 'I just don't understand how a parent can't know what is in their child's backpack!' 'I sent this home weeks ago, how could they forget?!' HA! I have pity on all their souls now.

Now someone can become irritated when I repeatedly forget our class snack day, my kid doesn't know if he is going to car line or extended care, or whether he really needs to wear glasses since he always seems to forget them.....does what go around really come back around? Was I destined to be the disorganized parent who doesn't even know what day it is because she is so involved in her own school work?

I find part of this comical since I know everything is ok, and my child is thriving at home and in school. But still, a little part of me wants to duck and hide when I see one of his teachers coming my way. If only they knew the turmoil I have trying to strike a balance between career and motherhood. If only they knew that the times I am the most frazzled, are the days I have over-extended myself volunteering my free time to my community....Nah...let them just see me for the hot mess I am. But please let them know it is all in the name of love...and I have been in their shoes and know how annoying I am ;)

PPFFTT!

Well, it is no secret that I am not a man. I have given birth. I do not grow facial hair, my voice did not drop during puberty, and I DO NOT understand what is so funny about bathroom words and sounds. Perhaps it is the student nurse in me, but talking about diarrhea (I know how to spell that correctly thanks to nursing school!) is just not a topic of conversation I choose for fun. I have seriously detailed conversations about it with clients 'at work.' Nor do I make fart noises and laugh hysterically if someone or something does.

However, my son and husband think this is all hysterical. I never noticed my husband getting a kick out of it until our 6 year-old son did. So in his defense, he is likely reverting back to childhood humor. But now our evening conversations are consumed with 'did you just fart?!' *fart sound with mouth*  or 'quick! i'm going to have diarrhea!' *more fart sounds with mouth* Heaven forbid someone sits on a wooden or leather chair that creaks the wrong way.

I actually get aggravated by how humorous they find it....I don't know if I am truly annoyed, or just jealous that something so simple and natural can provide so much entertainment?! If only PMS were this hilarious...at least I would have my very own private joke to laugh about every 28 days or so!

Enough

I have had to explain death to my child too many times in his 6 years...especially recently. Death does not really make sense to any of us, and it is alway sad. But for us recently, it has been a young cousin taken too soon, and just this past week the father of a child in his class. Why? We've had enough.

We raise our child very openly with very open and broad beliefs. I will not and cannot explain something that I do not know as a fact, so death is particularly hard to deal with. Even if you tell a child someone has gone to heaven, that is so abstract. And I have the child who wants to know exactly where, how you get there, what the accommodations are like...OY!

This is not about comfort on my part. I am open and willing to explain whatever he wants to know....but I don't have the answers to this one...nobody does. I do not want him to fear dying or death of those around him, but at the same time it is a harsh reality that has been pounded repeatedly into our thoughts.

As a former educator, I experienced several parents' passings, and the aftermath wreaked upon the community. The sadness, the terror....even worse, I have experienced the loss of children...a child attending another child's funeral is just about more than I can handle...I  hope I will prepare and comfort him enough for his class's circle discussion tomorrow morning about the loss of a child's parent...but I also realize that he will form his own theories, thoughts and beliefs. This is one of those moments where I have to let him go a little bit more....each time we let go a little, they grow a little...I just wish he didn't have to grow in this way so quickly...

Rich and famous

We had the opportunity to take a spring break vacation this year, and chose to hit up Aspen, Colorado. The events of these past few weeks, including the tragic loss of a young cousin of ours, made the idea of getting away so much sweeter.

But that is not what I am blogging about. I am blogging about the incredibly rude and ignorant parenting we witnessed among the wealthy Apsen vacationers....Holy wow!!

Apparently, putting your kid in the best, priciest purchased ski gear is the only way to go. While our kid had a fancy-schmancy snowsuit (that I purchased off-season at 50% off,) his rented equipment made him stand out in the crowd. Why would one purchase their growing child ski equipment?? It will last them months at best, and guess what? They lose EVERYTHING!! A kid in our kid's class lost his helmet...how does one lose what is attached to their head?! So his parents bought him a new one?!?!

Then there were the parents who would only have their child in a private lesson. I can see both sides on that one, but why pay for a private lesson when your child is only going to cry and refuse to ski??? You just paid good money for a qualified ski professional to print out sheets for your kid to color in!

Then the best part....the parents who picked up their kids when ski school was over, did not pay for extended care, and instead let their kids run amok in the outside perimeter of the bar while they enjoyed their pitcher of beer and tequila shots. Seriously?! Keep it classy, people! We brought our kid into the bar with us and bribed him with candy while we chugged our brews ;)

My husband and I are far from perfect, but puh-lease! If you are going to ignore your children, leave them at home. Or hire a babysitter...I met a nanny of a tiny little Brazilian baby whose parents hired her for the week....that's right, I roll with 'the help.' I am fascinated by people with nannies. Put your infant in a Bugaboo Chameleon in a fancy fleece bunting, and hit the slopes worry -free...NICE!

The highlight of my week though, was when we were sitting by a fire pit. We saw a kid get burned by the heat, and when another came to take his place throwing rocks into the flames I said, 'hey buddy, be careful it's really hot over there.' He winced in pain from the heat, told me I was not in charge of him and continued to bask in the scalding heat simply in order to disobey my comment. Wow. Just wow. The kid would rather get burned than take heed from a well-meaning adult.

We did have fun, and my kid has his share of gems too....like when he loudly announced in a swanky steakhouse that he was not going to vomit but he really needed to poo...I can only hope we provided fodder for some other hopeful blogger this week ;)

Grief

I don't have the words. I so badly want to blog about what I have been experiencing, but I just can't. It is either too personal, too much information, or just not my story to tell.

My heart goes out to my husband's aunt, uncle and cousins as they prepare to lay their son and brother to rest. Sudden health-related death at 24 years-old...too shocking to comprehend. He was just getting started. Everyone whose life he has touched is devastated. How can this be? Why him? He was healthy, athletic, made good choices, did everything right....he was his high school class valedictorian, had an advanced college degree and was a known up- and- comer in his career field...

As was presented in a sentiment from his funeral director when speaking of the question 'why?' His response was 'all that love could do was done.'

All that is left to do is help lay him to rest. Rest easy, Michael...for you are loved.

Pizza

I left my house before 6am this morning. Put in a 9 hour day on the psych unit and discussion of my patients, raced to be in time for the kiddo's violin lesson, and made the 35 minute trek home, knowing I had a couple of hours of school work waiting for me later in the evening.

Nothing extraordinary here, just the day in the life of a working parent. My story leads me to the moment of panic I felt after I called my husband and asked him to pick up a pizza on his way home....today is Tuesday...pizza day at school...I am going to feed my kid pizza twice in one day!! Oh, the horror!! While I realized after a moment of clarity that he would indeed survive and may even not complain about what's for dinner for a change, I felt panic-stircken in that initial moment.

It then made me think, what DID I/we do for our child today? Husband took him to school since I went in too early to do drop-off, he had a great day in school and got to create a clay animal in art class, got to play outside with friends after school, and got picked up only to head to a violin lesson. He even got to taste a faschnacht in extended care. All while his dad went to work hard all day at his job, and his mom was at school furthering her education.

This is a far cry from horrid. We all came home, ate dinner together as a family and he is now relaxing on the couch with a couple of TV shows. While I would prefer my child to have a healthy, well-balanced diet, I'd say he had a pretty damn good day today while his parents worked to provide for his well-being. It's ok to have pizza for lunch AND dinner. I'll cook tomorrow night...

Conquer

For some reason, today I am feeling especially thankful to be someone who does not give up, give in, or take no for an answer. Part of it comes from the fact that I am SO OVER being in nursing school. Every morning I wake up lately, I feel like 'WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS FOR MYSELF???' But then I make myself think of my alternatives....sitting home day after day being bored, or working at a job I didn't enjoy....I would be miserable with no way out....at least being in school, I can look forward to the day (less than 3 months from now!!!) when I can say I accomplished what felt impossible. 

Some day this will all be worthwhile, and I will say 'remember when...' rather than 'I wonder if I could have...' I am so thankful to know that not only did I try, but I succeeded. Every day I stumble a little and even feel like giving up...but I haven't yet. I have learned so much about myself these past 2 years. I can handle more than I thought I could, I learn well under pressure, I love working with people, and if you believe in the impossible, you can make it happen....

In closing, as I prepare to return the mountain of work in front of me...an 8+ hour day behind me and two 9 hour ones ahead....I am going to conquer this. And I am going to conquer it with pride. I am going to hold my head high and roll with the punches...I may not do it all without a whining cry for help, but I WILL do it!

And for all those little people in my way, trying to bring me down....to you, I say good luck...because if I go down, it won't be without a fight :)

Sharing

After a post on facebook the other day outlining the details of a horrific tantrum my kid threw that spanned 3 locations and at least an hour of time; I have had several people say to me in person that they enjoy my posts and that I am real.

I pride myself in my reality, and sharing is an outlet for me. Perhaps my healthiest outlet. While some (or many) may disagree and say I overshare, or are irritated by my stories, I feel that they are shared in such a way that nobody is forced to read. If you don't want to hear it, block or unfriend me.....NO OFFENSE TAKEN!!

One thing I have learned through my facebook sharing and blogging, is that many people walk in my shoes. Not in the same ways necessarily, but we all carry our own burdens. Whether they be through stress related to finances, work, school, child-rearing, dealing with friends and family....we all have our own row to hoe and it is sometimes therapeutic to realize we all have burdens.

I never pretend to be any worse off or even close to sharing the same burdens those around me carry. Most of my struggles are relatively light and airy. But they still weigh me down in a way that sometimes keep me up at night. I am interested and intrigued by the lives of those around me, and hope they feel they can share with me as well.

I am all about keeping it real. I cannot stand those who hide behind a false facade....and I hate to tell you, I can generally sniff those people out from miles away...I am not a hopeful psych-nurse-to-be for nothing. I love to read people and see if I am right. I am famous for being the one who wasn't sold on a person and those around me think I am being cynical. Then one day that person pulls a stunt seemingly out of left field and I am left grinning, holding back the 'I told you so!' I am also proven wrong sometimes, and one of my favorite things is when I do not give somebody the benefit of the doubt and they totally prove me wrong. I have had situations like that where that person has become one of my dearest friends (due to my open nature, you totally know who you are if you are reading this.)

Please do not read this and avoid me thinking I am reading you. I am not. I am talking about first impressions....and often times, I will tell a person what my impression was of them if they threw me a curveball. I have had friends ask me if I am going to blog about them (you know who you are too.) If I am blogging about you, you will know it. I don't beat around the bush. This blog is not about you, lol! ;)

I dunno...

One of the most frustrating things about dealing with my 6 year-old lately, has been his lack of recall. I can ask him what he's eating WHILE he's chewing it, and I'll get that blank stare and 'I dunno.' Two words kind of slurred together in a way that makes you wonder if he indeed knows anything?!

He's pretty good about telling me what happened in school each day when I pick him up and we embark on our journey home. But as the 3 of us sit at the dinner table about an hour later and I ask him about specific details (with lots of prompts) to share with my husband, we get the eyes and the 'i-unno.'

Now, this is his short-term recall. His long-term memory is uncanny, and he downright startles us with the crystal clear detail in which he remembers seemingly non-memorable moments. He can quote movie lines from DVD's he hasn't seen in months with shocking accuracy. I guess I am just afraid that his brain is so full, that his new memories just have no place to go?!

This does work to his advantage in the sense that you only have to tell/teach him something once and he's got it. He remembers what he reads, learns from TV, EVERY cuss that has EVER been uttered by me, etc, etc...I only wish I had that same gift as an adult nursing student. I'd rock!

As I wrap this up, I am beginning to dread our project for the evening....journaling in a class notebook about the adventures we had with the class stuffed pet this weekend. I am preparing myself for the 'i-uh-no' I will undoubtedly get when I asked what we did yesterday (he already forgot that we went to a Mardi Gras party last night, which was a pretty big part of our day...) Let's go see what he DOES know...

Social

I had the opportunity to volunteer this week in my son's 6-9 year old classroom. To my great horror, I discovered that he has been sanctioned to working at a desk WITH THE TEACHER.......MY kid is THAT kid!!

I had requested a conference several weeks ago when I found out that he had been held out of recess on several occasions to complete his am work. I found out that his lack of completion was due to his desire to chat with his friends (wonder where he gets that from.) We had discussed ways that may help him focus, but I didn't realize this would be one of them. The classroom is set-up and designed in a way that the children may sit at any table or spot on the floor to do their work. Not my kid. His name is taped to a table for 4, along with 2 other kids and the teacher....

I am not offended by this means of restriction. He is somewhat immature socially, and the youngest by a few months than any of the other children in the class. This is one of the areas where this shows up. I am not upset with the teachers. They are handling the situation....this is what I asked for, after all. I am just very humbled by the fact that MY kid is the one who needs the 'special' seat by the teacher, if you will.

The funny part of this story, is that he is proud of this spot. While my stomach dropped to my knees when I made this discovery, he proudly brought me to his spot and told me 'I get to sit here and if I need anything from the teacher, she's right here!!' He totally doesn't get that he has been singled out as 'that' kid, and is happy to have a bit more self-control and finish his work in a timely manner. To each his own, I suppose.

This brought me back to my tenure as an elementary school student. I was well-behaved and fell through the cracks by being quiet and producing mediocre, yet passing level work. Upon entering middle school, I became a bit more social....well, maybe more like a lot more social, and became a disruption in the classroom. Still providing mediocre work, I no longer slid through the cracks because I was loud. 

I feel this has been a weakness as well as a strength. Being 'loud' has gotten me far in life. I speak up for what I believe in, stand by others, and don't go unnoticed in a crowd. I am not obnoxious, and try not to be annoying, but definitely believe in speaking up. After all, the answer is always no if you don't ask the question...

Where I am going with this, is that my kid is awesome. He loves people. He is fascinated by them. He may struggle balancing his social life with working life, but who doesn't? A personality as strong as his, paired with his social nature, as well as his ability to analyze and manage can be a wonderful thing...Perhaps he is the next CEO of a major company, or *gasp* a politician....who knows? Whatever happens, I hope he remains social and embracing of people. These gifts have done me well and I wish him the same.....talk on, little man....just remember to get the other stuff done too ;)

Decisions

The stress of being in my last semester of nursing school is at its peak right now. While some people are gleefully counting down the days until May, I am frantically counting hours missed and hoping nothing else happens to cause me to miss another clinical day. I am one stomach bug away from possibly exceeding my limit and being dismissed from the course, thanks to the sick days I needed to take this week. In addition to being on the mend and missing 2 clinical days this week, I was also unsuccessful on an exam...only by a few points, but that is totally not my style!

I think what happened here is I put myself and my wellness above my school work....I realized that holistically, I needed to take enough time to heal rather than keep pushing and playing an endless game of cat and mouse with some random infection. Dare I say I made a mature decision?? I also put forth the interests of my child, who needs me to be healthy. A sick mom is a sick household here....I am fortunate that whatever ravaged my tonsils did not seem to spread to the rest of my family.

Typically, I would be devastated by the exam grade I earned today. But I am more proud that I took the exam today, picked up my kid from school, let him ride his scooter awhile, loaded the dishwasher, put in a load of laundry and didn't immediately crash on the couch. I took time to be sick, so I was able to do those things today. I put my family and my health first....isn't that what life is about? Sure my education is important, but at the end of the day a healthy family is more so. I think I may have learned a great lesson today.....and hopefully it will stick!!

Pride

I am so proud of my little man today! Today is his first 'science showcase' at his school. He is not a child who enjoys sports, but rather enjoys activities in science and other academia where he is free to explore and ask questions. We have long suspected that the sciences may be his strength, and today is a milestone we will cherish forever.

His topic is simple: 'how are rainbows made?' He wanted to do a project about fiber optics, which he does have a basic understanding of, but I wanted him to do a project he could fully do and understand on his own in his 6 year-old realm. He learned the word refraction, and the colors of the spectrum created from white light.

Even more than the fact that he gets to really be in his comfort zone this evening, he takes great pride in today. He even wore a shirt with buttons and 'flaps' and let me spike his hair (which is generally unheard of.) He was so excited about today, that he had a great violin practice session this morning with the realization that practice makes perfect, and pride pushes you through.

He looked years wiser to me when I dropped him off at school this morning. And in a way, he is. He learns a great lesson today beyond any scientific question....he learned how to feel pride in his accomplishments. Something I can never teach him on my own...

Grocery store

I would love to review the security tapes from my late afternoon trips to the grocery store. These trips are usually to pick up a few items I need to make dinner or whatever. The child and myself have both been in school all day, and after a 45 minute commute home, we are tired and ready to be HOME.

Since he is of course too big to put in a cart, he has to walk it with me which is fine, but a child potentially with ADHD in a grocery store is like a greyhound taking off after the rabbit at the track. He runs circles around displays, hides behind shelves, grabs and asks for virtually everything at his eye level....All the while I am trudging along behind him simply wanting to grab my loaf of bread and gallon of milk and GO!

He gets in the way of other people, he knocks things over.....by the time we get to the check-out, I am ready to pull my hair out. I scold, I grab him by the arm, I give empty threats, I growl his name through gritted teeth. I am the perfect model of what NOT to do when disciplining your child. But by this time, I've had it and I don't care.

There are a couple of cashiers that I frequent. Younger kids working after school. I can see the gleam of recognition and the rising giggles as I navigate my way to them, grabbing at the scruff of the boy's neck before he ravages the candy rack at the register. Then there are the automatic doors which he bolts toward while I swipe my card. Since he has no worry in the world, it is a real danger that even 6 years old he will run right out into the parking lot. So, to the joy of the frustrated people behind me, I leave my meager groceries and purse mid-purchase and run off to grab him by the arm and drag him back by the shoulder while I finish my transaction. At least by this point he is maniacally laughing, which the irritated people behind me find hilarious.

While I wish I could simply grab what I need and run, part of me guesses that at least I can provide a funny story for someone to share at their family dinner table. And I am sure whoever reviews those tapes gets a good chuckle every time he and I bound through the entrance....

Empty playroom

We are in the process of re-carpeting and furnishing our main living areas, including a room that has been home to the child's toys the past several years. The room held his toy kitchen, train table, and numerous shelves filled with books, puzzles, games, action figures, cars, etc...Everything has been moved to the finished basement where we will create a rec room with all of the old furniture that is being replaced.

While this room has been purposed as a playroom, it has mainly been used during playdates and parties when other kids would come over and marvel at the set-up and toys he has. But he never seemed interested in any of it....until we gutted it out. All that remains in there is the carpet and an old random futon. And he plays in there constantly....

He is in there now bouncing a small bouncy ball off the walls, he brings in the occasional stuffed animal which 'watches' him perform ninja kicks and tricks, and he just lies on the ground with his feet up on the wall and daydreams. He even dubbed it a 'music room' and wants to practice his violin in there.

He is excited to have the new room set-up downstairs, but I think he is more highly anticipating the idea of a tv of his own than his toys. It amazes me how much more occupied he is with an empty room than a room full of toys....he actually entertains himself. It is so peaceful...

This speaks volumes to me about all of the 'stuff' we have these days. I admittedly have WAY more stuff than I 'need' and apparently he does too. In all our attempts to provide him with a well-rounded supply of activities and toys, we missed the idea that a kid just needs to play....even if it is in an empty playroom...

Sick day

Today is the kind of day I needed. It is a day I am able to keep my kid with the screaming red throat home from school, I will not miss out on anything, AND the hubby will come home mid-day so that I can go do what I do need to accomplish. Wow! I forgot these days exist. Stuff happens. And I am typically fairly flexible and can deal with it. But when it interferes with my school, aka soon-to-be career, I panic.

Although I wish my kid did NOT have a throat on fire, I am glad that the stars aligned leaving me with a free morning and a husband within an hour radius of home. It gives me hope. Hope that we ARE normal, hope that we ARE ok, hope that we CAN and WILL get through this rough patch I call nursing school.

I have some work to do on-line, studying galore and 2 dogs who are enjoying every last second of weekday cuddle time. The kid is just lounging in jammies watching Sprout. This is what sick days are made of. And I am so lucky to be able to afford my kid a normal one, one without panic and fighting over which parent needs to miss out on their job.

I am not sure what will happen tomorrow, if he is not better. I am sure the you-know-what will hit the fan, but for now I will enjoy, drink my coffee in my house from a real mug and bask in the ability to take care of my kid the way he deserves :) :)

Aspen

So we decided to take a vacation. We weren't going to....truly, we were not. Planning a pretty major excursion 6 weeks out is not typically my style. In fact, I am pretty sure I developed a twitch during the reservation process this morning.

We took our first spring break trip last year when me and the child's spring break schedules just so happened to line up. Hubby was already out in Cali for a conference the week before, so we just flew out and met him. This year, we considered and then re-thought the whole idea. Ultimately, I had decided it was a bad idea considering it is my last semester of nursing school and may have some loose ends to tie up. Then the past 2 weeks happened...

Spouse away more days/nights than home, child acting up, me left to my own devices to deal with it all and a broken toe and death in the family to spice things up just a bit more. I decided we needed a vacation. Somewhere not here. Somewhere with time together away from the bustle of the every day.

We searched the Carribbean, Orlando....everywhere was pretty much booked, so I started looking into ski venues. The east coast is not having a good winter, so out west I looked....and fell in love with the idea of our family vacationing in Aspen...'someplace warm, where the beer flows like wine...' While we will certainly not be as stylish and posh as the Cruise and Beckam families are while getting some r&r in this idyllic Colorado town, we will create memories to last a lifetime. And we will have no decision bigger than 'pool or hot tub?' after our day on the slopes....

6 weeks and counting....bring it on stress...we're headed to Aspen!

Snow day

Feeling more like myself today...partially in thanks to the SNOW!! There is nothing like waking up to a wonderland of snow blanketing our world. I also happen to be fortunate enough to have a view from my back windows that never ends, of beautiful farmland that is especially gorgeous when covered in the white stuff.

Then there is the kid. He got up to pee at around 0700, after which my bedroom door slammed open as he bounded in shouting "MOMMY! IT SNOWED! IT REALLY SNOWED!" Most of my mornings begin by some sort of exclamation on his part, but this one rivaled the squeals of joy on Christmas morning. I convinced him that it would be a good idea to hang out inside until we had some breakfast, and sweetened the pot by offering to make pancakes. Currently, he is occupied by daddy (who is FINALLY home and hopefully will remain on a normal work pattern at least for the next few days) working on his LEGO Millenium Falcon.

Now that I am full of whole-wheat blueberry pancakes and had my coffee, I am ready to face the snow-chilled goodness that awaits us outside. This helps me to be thankful that we are together as a family and are physically well and able to go out to shovel and play.

Today I am thankful for the therapeutic effect of: the snow day :)

Ruby shoes

Over the past 2 weeks, my life has been a whirlwind of nursing, schoolwork, violin lessons, car line, preparing meals, washing dishes, laundry, making sure homework is complete...and getting up the next day to do it all over again. I am not sure if it is holiday letdown, lack of vitamin D, or just plain aggravation, but I am in a FUNK. 

I can't explain it any other way. I am just on a short fuse, tired, feeling like I can't please anyone...wah, wah, wah....But then I look at people around me. A single mom of 4 fighting cancer, a young man fighting MS, a family with a critically ill child in the hospital who may not pull through, a single mom of 3 who's child has been in and out of the hospital for months, a beloved head of his family taken from us unexpectedly...I am still tired and frustrated, but I can see it in perspective. My child is healthy and in a wonderful school. I will graduate and be free of the demands of nursing school in a few short months. My husband is ridiculously busy because his company's business is booming....What do I really have to complain about? 

I am still tired. I am irritated that I have to do 'everything' myself. But at least I have the ability to do so. If scheduling the delivery of my new carpet and furniture are my biggest pet peeve, so be it. I hate to be the girl who's ruby shoes are too tight. That isn't me. I reach out and help people. I do what I can, albeit small, to brighten someone's day. 

With this in mind, tomorrow I shall strive to smile more, jot a note to someone who is going through a truly hard time, donate money to a cause that will put it to good use, pick my head up and do what I need to get done. 

I will get out of my 'FUNK' by realizing that I have nothing to funk about. I will still grumble about doing the laundry and the fact that I am spending my second friday night in a row sans spouse watching the goodnight show on sprout and hoping the child drifts off to sleep....it's all a part of life. The life I chose for myself, not one bestowed upon me by some force I was defenseless to. I shall be thankful that I have the ability to complete what I need to do even if it is less than convenient. Deep breath....moving on...

The business trip phenomenon...

I would really love to know what it is that makes bizarre things happen when my husband goes out of town for work. How does karma KNOW when he is leaving, how long he'll be gone and how to throw JUST enough at me to make me go a little cuckoo??

This trip, which still has another 24+ hours to go, fell over MLK day, which left me scrambling for a sitter (thanks to a dear friend for covering!) made me go in late for the second week in a row to my clinical portion of class, AND left me with a broken toe. The minor inconveniences come with the territory, but the toe was the twist of bizarre to make my life a twinge more difficult.

The first time he went away for more than a couple of days, happened to be the exact same day our son (14months old at the time) decided to take his first steps, leaving me in a 100% NON-childproofed house. The next memorable incident was a few years later when I was recovering from a major foot surgery and one of our dogs got horribly sick. I couldn't take care of her the way she needed, so I boarded her at the vet who ran every test known to man, and $700 later it turned out she had a minor UTI...A year or so after that, our refrigerator motor blew up the day he flew out, leaving me living out of coolers in our garage and frantically shopping for a replacement.

I am not a particularly spiritual person, but even I can't help but wonder if there is a little more than coincidence to these situations. Maybe someone is trying to show me how good I have it with him, and how much he really does help and support me when he is home. Maybe it is a trial to show me that I CAN"T do this all alone, even though I feel like I can. Hmm...I dunno, but it sure makes me wonder what is behind this business trip phenomenon ;)

Pieces

My first week back to school was not so bad. For me, it is much of the same as far as school goes, and maybe even a bit lighter load than I have had to deal with in the past year. It also helps that GRADUATION in MAY is the light at the end of this crazy tunnel! Woo!!!

The thing I am struggling with most is my child's reaction to all of this. He seems to be taking this semester particularly hard. Probably since he has seen me put through the ringer these past 2 years. I wish I could assure him that it is going to be ok, and the end is in sight. I also hope that someday he looks back and realizes that yes, I have done this for me, but also for him. I did not feel fulfilled where I was in my life, and attending nursing school has helped me feel more complete. Not in the sense that motherhood has not 'completed' me, but more like I never was sure what I wanted to be when I 'grew up.' Now I have a path. My child will not be a child forever, and what will I do as he comes into his own and doesn't need me RIGHT by his side anymore? He was already school aged when I hit this full-steam-ahead, and I felt like it would be ok. And it will be and it is, but it is still hard.

I do not consider my needs selfish by any stretch. In fact, part of my drive to learn is propelled by my ambition to reach out and help others. But, I cannot help but wonder if deep down I am looking to reach out to others so I do not have to deal with what is right in front of me? Is it easier to help others than to help myself? Is this a cop-out or am I genuine? I feel genuine, but I am sure a psych expert would have a field day with my brain. Oh well...I shall keep on keepin' on with my heart in the right place. And I shall continue to hope that all of the other pieces fall into place....

Reality

I am blogging this evening hoping to be able to keep up with my daily entries, but knowing our lives as we know it are about to go into a tailspin. Tomorrow, I begin my fourth and final semester of nursing school. In my blogs, I speak a lot about pushing forward and going for it, but there is a more realistic side to all of that. That is, I am a mom. And while I take pride in my work outside of the home, I do have 'work' in the home that will be neglected. Fortunately, the child begins his bedtime rituals around 7pm on nights like tonight when we eat dinner at a decent time. On his way up tonight, I went to give him a hug and kiss and felt my stomach drop when I realized I wouldn't be here in the morning when my warm, bedheaded little man in his fleecy jammies woke up.

I am going to miss his first bleary eyed look at his world for the day. I will not be the one dropping him off at school, daddy will make his pb&j, and he will have to go to extended care both before and after school. This is the downside to the fast-paced lives I speak of us choosing for ourselves. While I truly feel all of the 'go-gettum' words I have blogged in the past few weeks, I need my followers to know that I do indeed have a warm spot for being a mom. And telling my little man that I would TRY to get to school by 5:00 to pick him up tomorrow just about broke me.

Believe it or not, the most gut-wrenching part of the whole situation is when he understands that I will be late, unable to be reading mom for a while, and otherwise be distracted. Part of me feels that it is realistic for him to accept these things, but the other part wishes he didn't have to wonder what time mommy is coming to pick me up.

I can drop off and change this all in one swift move. I can end it all by giving up on my career and staying home full-time. Pop out a few more babies, drive a Honda Odyssey and head back to a world of play groups and story hours. But that's not me. And what kind of mom would I be if I were miserable?

I love my child more than anything. And in order to give him what he deserves, I will put on my big girl panties and face the world as a professional tomorrow. And that pride I will feel dressed in slacks and an embroidered lab coat bright and early, will stay with me as I push through my day 'making it all work.' I will pick him up at the end of the day and beam with pride as he tells me all about his day and ponders my daily 'did you do anything cool today?'

Will I miss the morning cuddles I have enjoyed that past few weeks? Will I miss his morning ritual of watching Sprout while he eats his breakfast? Of course (except for Caillou, I really can't stand that whiny kid...) But reality sets in, and he must go be a first grader and I will be me. I will be me so I can be better for him.

Peppermint Mocha

I have a confession: we give our hyperactive 6 year-old coffee. Crazy? Maybe. Smart? Maaaayyybeee...While all sorts of evaluations have said otherwise, it does not take a trained individual to see that our child is at the very least 'different' from others. He has endless energy and is active from the second he wakes up in the morning until his little body succumbs to the heavy lure of sleep each night. I am not exaggerating. If he is not engaged in an activity and left to his own devices, he can create some serious damage. The problem seems  to be that his brain just never stops generating exciting new thoughts and ideas. While he is proven to be of higher than average intelligence, nobody has been able to tell us how to help him harness and focus all of this intellect, so we troubleshoot ourselves. 

One of the things we discovered while attempting to have a quiet, lazy weekend morning was that he likes coffee. He would always ask for a sip and would stop in his tracks and savor it. So, using my limited knowledge of children with hyperactive disorders is that some treatments include giving the children stimulants. While I am not against medicating my child, I am a parent who would like to exlpore all options before resorting to it. So, I said to my husband, just make him a cup. We made a K-cup, poured him about a third of it and added skim milk and a dash of sugar. He took his plastic mug emblazened with his name in puff-paint, wrapped his little hands around it and sat down on a windowsill. He sat there savoring each sip and staring out the window. It was like we were having some sort of breakthrough. This is the child who is incapable of watching shows with commercials because once his concentration is interrupted, he loses all interest. This was five minutes of pure, non-hyper activity. Sitting. Still. And quiet....a true breakthrough. 

We try to not schedule anything on our weekends. Our weekdays are so fast-paced with so little family time, that our weekends are ours. Especially the mornings. From our 0700 wake-up until about 1100 when child starts hounding us for lunch, we chill. And all of that kicks off with all of us enjoying a cup o' joe. 

The moral of this story is, if you come to my house and my kid asks for a 'peppermint mochO' and I oblige, do not judge me. His favorite coffee is Green Mountain Organic Sumatran Reserve...Folgers just doesn't cut it. And he LOVES Coffeemate Sugar-free Peppermint Mocha (I am honestly more concerned about the artificial sweetener than the coffee.) This cup of goodness gives us a good 5 minutes of quiet followed by about 30 minutes of chill child. Let us have our precious lazy time. And let him have his peppermint mocha. 

Chaos

I like to describe my life as living in 'organized chaos.' It is chaotic and cluttered, but each day I manage to get everyone where they need to be (and on time,) make sure everybody has at least 2 healthy home-prepared meals, and fulfill the obligations I have committed myself and my son too...my husband can fulfill his own ;)

I have been questioned by people close to me 'maybe you have too much going on?' Too much? How much is too much? My husband and I work as a team (as much as his job can afford him the time,) he works full-time, I am in school full-time, and our son attends first grade and takes private violin lessons. I do not see what can be cut from there. If I weren't in school full-time, I'd be working full-time. This is what we have chosen. No, I do not have to work to fulfill our financial obligations, but it sure is nice to have that option in our back pocket. Why not be prepared? And I love to learn, volunteer, work with others....that is who I am.

We also have a child who is very much full of life and is constantly on the go exploring his world. Yes, he is loud, into EVERYTHING and making a mess, but am I supposed to put the kabosh on that?? Should I put on a constant stream of Netflix and let him stew?

We have 2 dogs and a hamster. The hamster is upstairs and doesn't need anything except a daily feeding and a clean cage once every few weeks. The dogs are under foot and like to bark and play, but we enjoy them. They make us laugh, bring joy and help teach our son how to care for and nurture something.

So, while I agree that we have a lot going on, I do not agree that it is 'too much.' We live our lives. That's what they're for, right?! I do not want to ever look back upon my life and say 'I should've gone for it.' If there is something I am unable to do for a reason, that is one thing, but if I could and I just didn't?? That would be regret. And I avoid the possibility of regret at all costs.....even if it means living in 'chaos.' I will take my chaos and embrace it...after all, you never know what tomorrow brings, so GO FOR IT!!

Reading mom

This morning, I got the opportunity to be 'reading mom' in my son's classroom. It is a task I gladly volunteer to do, and try to get there at least once a month. The job is to take the children in the class out into the hall individually, listen to them read and briefly note their progress to the teacher. While I enjoy this opportunity as a former educator, my favorite part is getting to be an active part of my first grader's school day.

I got to witness him enter the class and find a silent reading book to start off his day, observe morning circle and watch as he gathered his day's 'work' and headed off to his chosen place in the room to get going....what I failed to mention here is that he attends a Montessori school, which is an alternative style to public school education. I got to watch him interact with his buddies, problem solve when deciding what to work on, and lay out on the floor with one of his teachers to work on a manipulative math assignment. I got to have conversations with his classmates and giggle over the silly parts of the stories they are reading...it was such a fantastic morning.

The best part of my morning though (besides the very public hug I received from him as I left the classroom) was the joy and pride I felt watching my little boy function so well in his little world. I feel so proud and fortunate to be able to afford him this education. It is not just a financial sacrifice, but also one of time, as we have a 35 minute one-way commute. I couldn't have found a better school for him if I had created one myself. I am so thankful that this amazingly smart, curious little boy my husband and I have created is in his own niche where he can be him and not stifled by structure and policy.

So, I walk with an extra bounce in my step today, extra proud of my precious little man, knowing that he is being cared for and nurtured in such a special way. I wish every parent could feel as happy as I do with our child's education....if only....

Quiet

While I adore my little family, I am ever so glad that my dear husband and child have returned to work and school. Even the dogs are more settled and curled up in balls in their sun spots as opposed to their usual neurotic barking-at-every-sound temperament.

I look around and see the wreckage that holiday break has left behind. Though I smile to see the gifts that were opened and evoked squeals of joy from my 6 year-old, and the new Kindle Fire that consumed my husband most of his days off around the house, I am glad to be able to finally straighten up the room and return to the usual clutter. I sit at my laptop perfectly content to prepare for my new semester, catch up on ignored e-mails, and otherwise get back to my same-old/same-old. Even though my laptop keys are click-clacking away and Infinity "MusicChoice" plays as my background, I still consider this to be quiet. I am not living in fear that this quiet means my son is hiding somewhere cutting his hair, or burning the end of a pencil in the lit candle in the bathroom (both true stories.) I can just enjoy and feel accomplished as I check away at my to-do list.

If you had a spouse and/or children returned to the grind this week, what will this change for you? Will routine go on as normal, do you miss the hustle and bustle of the season, or are you reveling in the calm as I am? I miss the family together-laziness, but will not miss the bored child deciding it would be a great idea to put small glass-ball ornaments in his mouth and spit them at the wall to see them shatter....another true story...I welcome the promise of a new calendar year and settling back into that crazy routine I complain about so much...part of me craves that constant movement...the other part will continue to sit here and enjoy the quiet :)

'Lucky'

I hate the word 'lucky' and choose to use it sparingly. I feel, however that it is overly and inappropriately used by many. Webster's dictionary defines lucky as "having good luck; happening by chance; producing or resulting in good by chance." I have been told that my husband and I are "lucky" because he makes a good salary that allows me the opportunity to be in school and not bring in any income. He also earned a degree from a well-known university and graduated number one in his engineering class. Is that lucky? Or did he earn his job due to hard work and perseverance? Also, am I 'lucky' to be a career-change student at 33 years old, or am I taking a risk?

I have also used 'lucky' used to describe fellow classmates of mine who utilize the G.I. Bill to fund their educations. Is that lucky? I think those individuals earn the right to use what they have earned by providing their service through the U.S. Military.

To me, luck is winning the lottery or having your name chosen to win a door prize. Our accomplishments in life are based upon on how much we put into them. People may feel down on their luck when things don't go their way, but overall, I feel that the term 'luck' should be reserved for things that truly happen by chance. I am sure that I have used the term lucky to describe earned fortunes in the past, but since I have been told I am 'lucky' to have some of the fortunes my husband and I have worked hard to EARN, I am very careful how I use the term.

So, next time you consider someone to be 'lucky,' consider what you are implying. While you may mean it as a compliment, you may be demeaning the value of what they have worked hard to earn.

Just my 2 cents ;)