Milestone

I have hit a major milestone in my war against being a work-out-of-the-home mom who regularly suffers from mommy guilt. I finally have let go. What did I let go of? The things that do not make or break me as a parent, student, employee, etc. I have been working 30+ hour weeks at all hours of the day. Day shift, evening shift, overnight shift....you name it and I have worked it in the course of the past 7 days. I have worked every day for at least 4 hours for the past 3 weeks. That means not a day has gone by without needing to be at school or at work at a specific time. For 3 weeks/21 days...while this may not sound extraordinary by any stretch, considering there are people in this world who never have a day off and work more than one job. But when I am not at school or at work, I am busy with appointments and evaluations with my son. I will spare details of what we are evaluating to protect his privacy, but we are making fantastic headway in discovering why he is so 'spirited' and has meltdowns on a regular basis.

So anyway, back to letting go...of what and when did I let go?? On Friday I was scheduled to work day shift while child was at school. It turned out I was not needed and they canceled me (so I lied, I had Friday off other than mom taxi.) Since I had worked the night before and didn't get home until 12, and had run around with the kiddo all day to appointments, I was feeling pretty beat. And that's when I had my epiphany. Kid was happily at school, husband was at work and TOLD me to get some rest on my new found 'day off' and the messes in my house could wait. The clothes could sit in the dryer, the dishwasher would be unloaded when I needed something and the world would keep on spinning.While I am fortunate to have a housecleaner who cleans kitchen, bathrooms and dusts and vacuums every other week, it is the every day stuff like dishes, laundry and grocery shopping that I fall behind on. Even with help, I cannot do it all. But on Friday, what I realized was what I had to deal with was more cosmetic than sanitary. Nothing bad would happen if I did not completely catch up on chores.

I tried to go back to bed, but that was just too much. I felt lazy. But lying on the couch with nothing but mindless Internet surfing and TV was just what the doctor ordered. I have been feeling too stressed out and wound up to sleep lately, plus with my random hours sleep has been elusive. But mindless rest was perfect. Other than making a few phone calls and lining up appointments, I did nothing. Glorious nothing.

I picked up kid from school at 3:00, we ordered in Chinese for dinner and I went to bed early. It was awesome! Saturday morning, I woke up at 8:30 (which is unheard of for me, since I am up and out of the house by at least 730 every other day of the week) and I was excited to enjoy a beautiful fall day with my family. We spent the day out and about and I came home for a nap and headed out for my night shift (hence the middle of the night post.)

I call this a milestone because it has taken me nearly my entire tenure as a nursing student-slash-mom to realize that I am doing a pretty damn good job at balancing 'everything.' Sure, I fall apart sometimes and miss things in my kid's backpack, but I am getting it all done. On my time. I do what needs to be done when it needs to be and everything else can wait until I get around to it. I feel like if I can keep on this track, I will be happier, rest easier, and be a better mom, student and employee. Here's hoping for a new trend :)

Happy New Year!

Tomorrow, my son begins second grade. I am left to wonder where has the time gone?? I do not mean this in a weepy, my baby is growing so fast sort of way, but rather in a really where has the time gone kind of way??

I feel like just yesterday I was living in my college campus apartment with my 4 roomies fighting over whose turn it is to wash dishes or buy toilet paper. Now, here I am 12 years later married with a kid and working on my second college degree PAST that one I was working on then.

I feel so fortunate to be able to look upon my life fondly, as many people have such hurtful pasts. I must give myself some credit for the work and dedication I have invested in myself and my family, but I also credit those around me who support all my crazy ideas and 'IT MUST ALL BE DONE NOW OR SOONER!' personality.

For me, the year runs from August-June. July and August are mere formality as we laze in the summer heat, and January is just another flip of the calendar to me. I look forward to the next few months, moving into the holiday season and FINALLY moving on into my new career. Come January, a new year will only be a number, but my life will finally be on its new path. Working in a career I love, with a kid in school and a blank slate to welcome whatever is next in store for me. I have some ideas, of course, but it is not in my nature to commit until the time comes.

But, DANG! Time really does fly. As many kiddos I know head back to school tomorrow or the following Monday, I wish you all a Happy New Year! Despite obstacles that may fling your way, ultimately YOU are in control of the path you take and the way you feel about it. The best vague, yet invaluable encouragement I have ever received is 'go do good things!' Ok, then! Don't mind if I do :)

Last leg

Tomorrow at 0700, I take the first steps on the final leg of the wildest and most fulfilling ride I have ever embarked on. It all began 3 summers ago when I was recovering from a reconstructive foot surgery and was online job hunting. Nothing in my field at the time was appealing to me and the wheels started turning. Somehow, I got into researching nursing degrees and 6 months later, I was a pre-clinical student taking my basic anatomy & physiology classes.

Nursing school itself is not my 'wildest ride,' but the fact that I did it in my thirties, making a total career change and with a child in tow. It has been a real game changer for me. I am happier, look forward to having a job and most importantly have a new found realization of just how strong and smart I am. I would have never realized my capacity to understand and love science and how the human body works. I also learned that stepping out of your comfort zone is very freeing, and I highly recommend it to everyone.

I feel a great sense of closure going into this final semester. This is the way it was supposed to go. I am in a great place and am ready to greet the challenges that lie ahead with a come hither attitude. I am not afraid. What will be, will be and I will adapt.

For the next 15 weeks, I will do my best to persevere, and be the best damn student nurse I can be. I will hold the attitude that I am capable and will not let anyone make me feel otherwise. After all, I have come this far and this was not for the faint of heart. Most importantly, I will do this for my family. If I am happy and confident and proud, I will lead by example. An example I am proud to set for my young son. An example that makes my husband proud to have a crazy spitfire of a wife.

I am buckled in, scrubs ready to go....I am off to help people feel better in their time of need....what a cool job! :)

'Do it all!'

I feel like as I approach my mid-30's, babies are the new weddings. My fridge is a revolving door of shower invites and newborn announcements. When we were in our mid-20's, that same fridge was a landing spot for wedding shower, bachelor/bachelorette, and wedding invites. It is funny how things change. 

However, it has me thinking...why did I do everything when I did? Most of my friends are around my age, give or take a few years. Yet, I was married first and have a kiddo going into the second grade while most of my friendly counterparts are seeking out preschools or taking birthing classes. 

Granted, some of these babies are second, third or (GULP!) fourth children, but even their elder kids are younger than mine. Why was I in such a hurry?? At the same time, most of these mamas are ready to take some time off or work after having had their careers for 10-15 years by now. I am only beginning in that sense. Which leaves me with the question, when did I become THAT girl?!? The one who has the kid(s) and then stalks out into the career force. Not for lack of education, or jobs to support my younger self, mind you. I just felt driven to 'DO IT ALL!' then like I have that same drive in a different way to 'DO IT ALL!' now. But did I 'DO IT ALL!' backwards?

Most of my male friends married and had kiddos later also. Likely because the women-folk weren't ready and waited it out, unlike me. I do not think I am in a bad place, I am just pondering how I got here. And wondering if I am the only one who is wondering where the time has gone and why I spent it the way I did. 

I adore my child. He is exceptionally bright, witty, and gives me something to ponder each and every day. In fact, while I predicted his math skills would surpass mine by the third grade, I was wrong. First going into second grade has done it. I shut down when he asked me to refresh his memory of the Fibonacci sequence just the other day. But none of this takes away from the fact that I am still me, and I can still wonder when I ended up on the path I did. 

I am curious to see what our next generation trends toward. My generation seems to have taken the 'I will do it all' attitude with careers first and then loads of babies (not me. I am still confused.) Perhaps, this next generation will study abroad on Mars and have alien babies? 

Birthday time!

Every year I say I'm not gonna do it, yet here I am again. The gears start turning once school lets out, and once the seed is planted, the planning extravaganza begins...yes, folks, it is time to celebrate the kiddo's birthday.

This year he turns 7, and I had been trying for a couple of months to convince him that we should do something really special and take a friend or 2 to an amusement park. Nah. Then we received an invitation from a lovely little girl in his class who was having a regular old traditional party (which I LOVE!!) and asked for donations for a local charity in lieu of gifts. When I mentioned this possibility, my typically empathetic to a fault child nearly crumbled at the thought of not receiving any gifts...but, alas, I suppose that is part of the magic at this age, so the typical birthday extravaganza is underway for mid-August. 

After last year, I swore NEVER AGAIN would I do such a party. It was a smashing success and was at our local YMCA, but we had to provide and set everything up. I ended up spending WAY more time and money than I needed to. I paid attention to details that nobody probably even noticed. But, we had an inflatable slide and a gym full of Mario Bros themed activities followed by cake in a room with about a gazillion helium balloons and carefully decorated cake table. Our cake baked by a dear friend was absolutely perfect, and a good time was had by all. But at the end of the day, I just dropped from the stress of preparation and baking dozens of yellow-frosted star cookies that the dear child said did not look like stars?!?!?

This year, I am taking the show to a bounce place that does not allow you to bring in anything from the outside. No balloons, decorations, snacks...everything you may want you have to purchase through them. Because they charge outrageous prices for things like balloons and themed decor, I went pretty minimal and will pay a flat rate per child. The only thing I am doing myself is the goody bags, which they do allow you to bring, and my dear friend will again provide the cake (Pokemon this year.) All we have to do is show up, party and leave. The only thing I overdid this year was probably the guest list. At over 20 children, I am hoping for either 15 or 20 (makes sense the way the pricing tier works.) With it being summer time and vacations, etc, I expect there will be people who will decline. But, the more the merrier, right?? Birthday #7, here we come!! (Next year will be smaller for sure...HA!!)

Summer

I used to hate the summer. I am not someone who enjoys the heat, and the lack of structure that seems to come with the season kind of stresses me out. But, these past few years, I have come to love it. Mostly, because I have returned to college with a rigorous curriculum and the summer is my only down-time.

However, having a kid home from school for the summer is exhausting!!! I work nights, so he goes to day camp the days after I work so that I can sleep. And I am only part-time, so I am home and awake most days with him home with me. I plan activities such as the pool, movies, bowling, day trips to the beach, playdates, parks, baking, crafts...he has been to baseball games, the circus....this child is busy most of the time. Not to mention the activities he has planned for him when he does go to camp.

So why do I get greeted each morning with 'what are we going to do today??' When I was a kid, we spent our summer days home, played with kids in the neighborhood and saw an occasional movie. We might go to the lake a few times, and always went on a week-long beach trip. But, the little day-to-day activities my kid gets didn't exist. We made ourselves busy. While I am sure I proclaimed my fair share and then some of boredom, I did not come to expect to have an action-packed schedule planned out for me day after day...

Perhaps this is where I have gone wrong. Well, today we are 'not doing anything.' He is currently playing with cars on a race track and surviving just fine. I am sure we will hit some bumps along the way, but it is what it is.

How do you keep your kids 'busy' in the summer??

Mean girls

Everyone has heard of the 'mean girls,' but do as many people realize that some of those girls grow up and become 'mean moms??' I do not mean mean in the sense that they are mean to their children, but to other moms.

It is a brutal world in mom-land!! What I am referring to is women who get in cliques in neighborhoods, schools, wherever and exclude moms AND the children from 'the outside.' I cannot help but wonder if these particular women are mean girls turned mean moms, or if this territory is new to them. I have been fortunate from a relatively young age to be able to decipher the good from the bad (the real from the fake) and be able to live my own way happily in spite of these women and their attitude that the world is theirs. In high school, I was a happy band geek who had plenty of friends, and in college had a great group of friends from various backgrounds and majors. I always had a core group, but always had friends in the periphery also. That is just me. I make friends where I go.

Which is why I find it so bizarre to enter a space, smile and say hello, only to have a bag placed on a chair indicating that it is 'saved,' or to have someone get up because 'that lady took so-and-so's spot.' WTF, people?! You are honestly going to teach your children to exclude people they don't know??? I feel sorry for them...not for you, because I see through you and your insecurities, but why teach this to your kids?

I am a proud, working mom of one. I do not fit any particular mold of being a mom, and I am ok with that. I have plenty of mom friends who do NOT participate in these behaviors. I also have made friends in school, at work, etc. I am not craving relationships with these 'mean moms,' but having my and my child's existence acknowledged would be nice.

I will continue to teach my child to make friends where he goes and to be proud that he can enter any situation and quickly make friends. This will get him far in life. What will become of the kids who will inevitably end up split up from their neighbor friends, or cousins somewhere along the line? Hopefully a kid like mine will offer a friendly smile and invite them to play.