Recently, I saw someone on facebook "jokingly" refer to a parent as a "helicopter parent" and I became offended. This is a very dangerous term, and parents should not have to feel ashamed to speak on behalf of their children.
According to Wikipedia, the definition of a "helicopter parent" is a parent who pays extremely close attention to a child's or children's experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent)
I find this terminology offensive. Parents SHOULD pay extremely close attention to their child(ren)'s experiences and problems. PARTICULARLY at educational institutions. While I do feel that some parents cross a line at times, I also feel that often times some parents are afraid to speak up or "hover" and their children may suffer for it.
When did we become a society that criticizes parents' involvement in their child(ren)'s education? I have never been called a helicopter parent (not to my face anyway,) but by wiki definition, I AM one. And I am proud of it. The short version of a long story, is that I have a child with high-functioning Autism. He is bright, energetic, full of life, and I will be his voice for everything he needs. But I teach him along the way. Someday he will need to advocate for himself. Someday he will outlive me. He needs to grow his own voice. But how can he learn to advocate for himself if he doesn't know how to or what is worth advocating for?
Do I storm into the school and demand meetings with teachers? No. Do I complain about test scores and accuse educators of not teaching well enough? No. Do I complain to teachers about homework? No. These are all expected trials and tribulations of the school culture.
However, if my child is eligible for services that will help his ability to learn and function in a school setting, you bet your bippy I'll be the first one in line making sure he receives what he needs. If someone disagrees with me I do not yell. I do not send seething emails. I do research and find evidence to support my request and present it within the proper chain of command. And you know what?? I have been thanked and commended for this on multiple occasions by educators and specialists in our school.
I pay extremely close attention to my child's experiences and problems (particularly in educational institutions) and I think we all should. I do not intend to call his college professors and complain when I do not agree with their grading or policies. However, I am teaching my son how to advocate so that he can do it for himself when the time comes. If something is not fair or right, we SHOULD advocate for ourselves and our children and NOT feel badly about it.
While I refuse to view my actions in a negative light, I do often find myself feeling badly that I am making more work for someone, or that I am being "that" parent for being involved. I have had discussions with other parents who feel like something was unjust in the classroom and they are afraid to say anything. "I don't want to be "that" parent," they say. I always encourage them to go with their gut and speak up. My personal policy is to sleep on it. Even type the angry email and delete it. Just to get it out. Then once clarity sets in, I have a clear mind to deal with the issue at hand in a calm and efficient manner. Problems get solved this way.
So, call me what you want. I say advocate, you may say helicopter. But remember, some people say to-mah-to, and calling the whole thing off just isn't an option sometimes.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Fender Bender
Hubby took the kiddo to Home Depot this morning to their first Saturday of the month kids' workshop for kiddo to make a bird feeder. Shortly after they left, I got a call from him that nobody was hurt, but they got into a minor fender bender. Car is damaged and needs repaired, but it is drivable and he was still headed to Home Depot.
He was calm, I was calm...neither of us seemed really bothered by the fact that the car was damaged. Kiddo came home and told me all about "the crash!" that occurred at a speed of less than 5mph with great enthusiasm. And we laughed about it. And it hit me. We are blessed, and didn't even need to remind ourselves this time. I think the strife we are dealing with in trying to do what is best for kiddo and his behavioral and learning needs, is actually teaching us something. Recently, someone was telling me something their kiddo was struggling with and it was hard, but "God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle." And I remember thinking, she's better than me because I feel beaten down by our situation. But today, I realized I am handling things. I may not be religious, or think anyone is handing me anything in life, but I am starting to finally roll with the punches and deal with things as they come.
We filed our claim, will see the adjuster this week, and get the car fixed. We will continue working with therapists and treatment team for the kiddo and get him what he needs. We are content and we are dealing. We are ok.
It was a weird way to come around to believing it, but now I do believe "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And for that, I am thankful.
He was calm, I was calm...neither of us seemed really bothered by the fact that the car was damaged. Kiddo came home and told me all about "the crash!" that occurred at a speed of less than 5mph with great enthusiasm. And we laughed about it. And it hit me. We are blessed, and didn't even need to remind ourselves this time. I think the strife we are dealing with in trying to do what is best for kiddo and his behavioral and learning needs, is actually teaching us something. Recently, someone was telling me something their kiddo was struggling with and it was hard, but "God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle." And I remember thinking, she's better than me because I feel beaten down by our situation. But today, I realized I am handling things. I may not be religious, or think anyone is handing me anything in life, but I am starting to finally roll with the punches and deal with things as they come.
We filed our claim, will see the adjuster this week, and get the car fixed. We will continue working with therapists and treatment team for the kiddo and get him what he needs. We are content and we are dealing. We are ok.
It was a weird way to come around to believing it, but now I do believe "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And for that, I am thankful.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Under the bus
So, my kid totally threw me under the bus yesterday at his annual physical (yeah, he just turned 7 1/2, but I am that awesomely organized that we missed his 7 year...whatevs, he's fine.) Here's the back story:
On Sunday afternoon, we went out to dinner with my brother, and the departure was somewhat chaotic, giving him directions, the kid not wanting to say goodbye, kid misbehaving in a parking lot...I got in the passenger side and had my purse and a hoodie across my lap. Hubby wrestles kiddo into his booster and we pull out of the parking lot. I shifted and realized in a panic I had never put on my seatbelt. I consider myself to be a non-judgemental person, but I will fight you hard core about the importance of seatbelts and helmets...Two shifts as a student nurse in a trauma neuro unit and working as an RN in a neuro recovery unit will do that to ya....I am never one to not buckle up.
I exclaimed "AH! I never put my seatbelt on!" and immediately buckled up. We then discussed how dangerous that was even for a short minute, and moved on...or so I thought.
As part of the physical the next day, the pediatrician runs down a list of safety issues that would pertain to the child's age. "You should always be in a booster seat with a seatbelt whenever you are in the car, right?" The answer? "Yeah, but my mom doesn't always wear HER seatbelt." The pediatrician turns to me with a disapproving look in his eyes as I nervously laugh and give a quick synopsis of the day before....he wasn't buying it. He then explained to my kid how he should remind his mom to always buckle up if she forgets. This guy totally thinks I am a repeat offender...AWESOME!
Oh well...at least it was reinforced how important seatbelts are and what a dolt mom was for not putting hers on...even if it was just one remote incident, I promise you. Buckle up!!
On Sunday afternoon, we went out to dinner with my brother, and the departure was somewhat chaotic, giving him directions, the kid not wanting to say goodbye, kid misbehaving in a parking lot...I got in the passenger side and had my purse and a hoodie across my lap. Hubby wrestles kiddo into his booster and we pull out of the parking lot. I shifted and realized in a panic I had never put on my seatbelt. I consider myself to be a non-judgemental person, but I will fight you hard core about the importance of seatbelts and helmets...Two shifts as a student nurse in a trauma neuro unit and working as an RN in a neuro recovery unit will do that to ya....I am never one to not buckle up.
I exclaimed "AH! I never put my seatbelt on!" and immediately buckled up. We then discussed how dangerous that was even for a short minute, and moved on...or so I thought.
As part of the physical the next day, the pediatrician runs down a list of safety issues that would pertain to the child's age. "You should always be in a booster seat with a seatbelt whenever you are in the car, right?" The answer? "Yeah, but my mom doesn't always wear HER seatbelt." The pediatrician turns to me with a disapproving look in his eyes as I nervously laugh and give a quick synopsis of the day before....he wasn't buying it. He then explained to my kid how he should remind his mom to always buckle up if she forgets. This guy totally thinks I am a repeat offender...AWESOME!
Oh well...at least it was reinforced how important seatbelts are and what a dolt mom was for not putting hers on...even if it was just one remote incident, I promise you. Buckle up!!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Simplify
I am trying to turn over a new leaf in our house. One of simpler times. One that includes spending more time in our home, not running around like crazy. With the exception of things we have to do like school, work, dr and therapy appointments, we have few other commitments outside of baseball and scouts. This allows us much more free time in our home.
I am even going so far as to re-purpose rooms in our house for hanging out. We are creating a reading/music room, a rec room in the basement. I look forward to working out in the yard this spring and summer to create a more inviting space with a garden, cozier furniture for gathering 'round the chiminea, etc.
I am trying to destroy this notion of "what are we going to do today?" The answer will already be there. You may read, play in the yard, jump on your trampoline, play with your toys....we do not have to create out of the home activities. We pay a lot of money for our home. Let's use it.
While it will initially cost money to re-create these spaces within our home, when we think about how much less we will spend on out of the home activities, the home improvements feel like a no-brainer. Imagine what we will save on gas, admission prices, impulse purchases, etc.
We have started small, in the past week by eating most of our meals at home rather than out, and letting the kiddo stay in his pj's for longer on days we are home. By not creating the hustle and bustle of 'starting our day,' the whole atmosphere is more relaxed and flowed with a 'we'll get there when we get there attitude.'
I have been inspired by friends and neighbors who spend much of their time at home. Their homes are neat, organized and not inundated by stuff. I have even found myself more recently searching for items in my home to re-purpose, rather than go out and purchase something. Even things as simple as gift wrap and cards can be invented from items we have in our home. Last week we baked based on ingredients we already had in the pantry and fridge.
I realize I am not spouting rocket science, and many of my readers have already been doing this all along. But it is new to us, and still exciting. I am sure boredom will hit, and I am certainly not ruling out vacations and trips to museums, movies, etc. It is just that in the typical day-to-day we are simplifying. I have more than I realized already at my fingertips. It is very refreshing!
I am even going so far as to re-purpose rooms in our house for hanging out. We are creating a reading/music room, a rec room in the basement. I look forward to working out in the yard this spring and summer to create a more inviting space with a garden, cozier furniture for gathering 'round the chiminea, etc.
I am trying to destroy this notion of "what are we going to do today?" The answer will already be there. You may read, play in the yard, jump on your trampoline, play with your toys....we do not have to create out of the home activities. We pay a lot of money for our home. Let's use it.
While it will initially cost money to re-create these spaces within our home, when we think about how much less we will spend on out of the home activities, the home improvements feel like a no-brainer. Imagine what we will save on gas, admission prices, impulse purchases, etc.
We have started small, in the past week by eating most of our meals at home rather than out, and letting the kiddo stay in his pj's for longer on days we are home. By not creating the hustle and bustle of 'starting our day,' the whole atmosphere is more relaxed and flowed with a 'we'll get there when we get there attitude.'
I have been inspired by friends and neighbors who spend much of their time at home. Their homes are neat, organized and not inundated by stuff. I have even found myself more recently searching for items in my home to re-purpose, rather than go out and purchase something. Even things as simple as gift wrap and cards can be invented from items we have in our home. Last week we baked based on ingredients we already had in the pantry and fridge.
I realize I am not spouting rocket science, and many of my readers have already been doing this all along. But it is new to us, and still exciting. I am sure boredom will hit, and I am certainly not ruling out vacations and trips to museums, movies, etc. It is just that in the typical day-to-day we are simplifying. I have more than I realized already at my fingertips. It is very refreshing!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Phone calls
I remember being a kid and going totally bonkers with my brother anytime my mom was on the phone. It was as if the word "hello?" triggered permission to do whatever we wanted with no repercussions. As if we thought she was transported into some alternate universe where she could no longer hear or see what we were up to.
Well, now my kid (and dogs) do the same thing to me...ten-fold. Picking up the phone to do anything other than checking email or texting elicits every need my child has at any given moment to flood to his urgent surface. It is the exact moment he needs food or drink seemingly to survive, the dogs need to pee RIGHT THEN, and some random toy breaks into a gajillion pieces. Really?!
I use the phone for speaking rarely and sparingly because of this. How can these things transpire in the exact millisecond I begin forming the sound "h-" with my voice? If by rare chance I make it past the initial "hello," I often am asked if I "have people over" because it is so noisy. Nope. Just my ONLY child and my two 10-pound dogs and me trying to talk to you.
The best part is that as soon as I say something like "well, I should be going" or something of the like, the kiddo panics and begs me NOT to hang up. Which leads me to further believe that he really does believe he is invincible and without consequence as long as I feebly attempt to accomplish something via phone.
So, if you need to chat, I'll catch ya after we have him moved into his dorm room.....as long as the dogs don't start their pee-pee dance. For now, I shall leave it at 'text me.' ;)
Sharing and needs
I have decided to hit the blog again as "The Well-Rounded Mom," as my life has taken an unexpected turn. To recap my past several months, I have successfully completed nursing school, passed boards and am officially an RN. (Yay!) I got a job right out of school, which was fantastic, but I have had to resign.
Reality has hit, and an epiphany inspired by a conversation with a school psychologist has kicked me into full mom-mode. I have decided to take some time to be a full-time mom. He deserves it. He needs it.
My 7 year-old kiddo is diagnosed as having anxiety and sensory processing disorder. The by-product of these diagnoses is a super-sensitive kiddo who is affected by everything in his environment. He is a "sensory seeker," meaning he seeks sensory stimulation in the forms of jumping, touching EVERYTHING, sticking objects in his ears, etc...the fun never ends in this house. He craves structure, routine and consistency, and providing that for him IS my full-time job at the moment. I feel for moms who have to work to make ends meet financially, while having a child like mine. Providing routine, getting to therapies and planning each detail of your kiddo's day down to the minute is exhausting and time consuming. And in addition to the planning, the kid is always into something...I use that phrase "into something" all of the time, because I have no other way to describe it. He just always is exploring and seeking, and anything may strike him. "Stop getting into things!" is my typically exacerbated plea.
Some may think or say "why does she share this??" I share this because there is no shame in it. It is what it is (another favorite phrase.) Cognitive and mental "illnesses" are the same as any other illness affecting the body. The stomach bug makes you vomit, neuro and brain illnesses cause your brain to work in a different way. End of story. I see plenty of people sharing the details of their respiratory, GI dysfunctions, and even cancer in public forums. Let's talk about our brains and nervous systems. We all have them.
I also hate the term "special needs." We all have needs. All of us. So why are my kiddo's needs special? They're not really. They are just his needs, like you have yours. And this is my point. This is our row to hoe. We embrace it.
Reality has hit, and an epiphany inspired by a conversation with a school psychologist has kicked me into full mom-mode. I have decided to take some time to be a full-time mom. He deserves it. He needs it.
My 7 year-old kiddo is diagnosed as having anxiety and sensory processing disorder. The by-product of these diagnoses is a super-sensitive kiddo who is affected by everything in his environment. He is a "sensory seeker," meaning he seeks sensory stimulation in the forms of jumping, touching EVERYTHING, sticking objects in his ears, etc...the fun never ends in this house. He craves structure, routine and consistency, and providing that for him IS my full-time job at the moment. I feel for moms who have to work to make ends meet financially, while having a child like mine. Providing routine, getting to therapies and planning each detail of your kiddo's day down to the minute is exhausting and time consuming. And in addition to the planning, the kid is always into something...I use that phrase "into something" all of the time, because I have no other way to describe it. He just always is exploring and seeking, and anything may strike him. "Stop getting into things!" is my typically exacerbated plea.
Some may think or say "why does she share this??" I share this because there is no shame in it. It is what it is (another favorite phrase.) Cognitive and mental "illnesses" are the same as any other illness affecting the body. The stomach bug makes you vomit, neuro and brain illnesses cause your brain to work in a different way. End of story. I see plenty of people sharing the details of their respiratory, GI dysfunctions, and even cancer in public forums. Let's talk about our brains and nervous systems. We all have them.
I also hate the term "special needs." We all have needs. All of us. So why are my kiddo's needs special? They're not really. They are just his needs, like you have yours. And this is my point. This is our row to hoe. We embrace it.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Milestone
I have hit a major milestone in my war against being a work-out-of-the-home mom who regularly suffers from mommy guilt. I finally have let go. What did I let go of? The things that do not make or break me as a parent, student, employee, etc. I have been working 30+ hour weeks at all hours of the day. Day shift, evening shift, overnight shift....you name it and I have worked it in the course of the past 7 days. I have worked every day for at least 4 hours for the past 3 weeks. That means not a day has gone by without needing to be at school or at work at a specific time. For 3 weeks/21 days...while this may not sound extraordinary by any stretch, considering there are people in this world who never have a day off and work more than one job. But when I am not at school or at work, I am busy with appointments and evaluations with my son. I will spare details of what we are evaluating to protect his privacy, but we are making fantastic headway in discovering why he is so 'spirited' and has meltdowns on a regular basis.
So anyway, back to letting go...of what and when did I let go?? On Friday I was scheduled to work day shift while child was at school. It turned out I was not needed and they canceled me (so I lied, I had Friday off other than mom taxi.) Since I had worked the night before and didn't get home until 12, and had run around with the kiddo all day to appointments, I was feeling pretty beat. And that's when I had my epiphany. Kid was happily at school, husband was at work and TOLD me to get some rest on my new found 'day off' and the messes in my house could wait. The clothes could sit in the dryer, the dishwasher would be unloaded when I needed something and the world would keep on spinning.While I am fortunate to have a housecleaner who cleans kitchen, bathrooms and dusts and vacuums every other week, it is the every day stuff like dishes, laundry and grocery shopping that I fall behind on. Even with help, I cannot do it all. But on Friday, what I realized was what I had to deal with was more cosmetic than sanitary. Nothing bad would happen if I did not completely catch up on chores.
I tried to go back to bed, but that was just too much. I felt lazy. But lying on the couch with nothing but mindless Internet surfing and TV was just what the doctor ordered. I have been feeling too stressed out and wound up to sleep lately, plus with my random hours sleep has been elusive. But mindless rest was perfect. Other than making a few phone calls and lining up appointments, I did nothing. Glorious nothing.
I picked up kid from school at 3:00, we ordered in Chinese for dinner and I went to bed early. It was awesome! Saturday morning, I woke up at 8:30 (which is unheard of for me, since I am up and out of the house by at least 730 every other day of the week) and I was excited to enjoy a beautiful fall day with my family. We spent the day out and about and I came home for a nap and headed out for my night shift (hence the middle of the night post.)
I call this a milestone because it has taken me nearly my entire tenure as a nursing student-slash-mom to realize that I am doing a pretty damn good job at balancing 'everything.' Sure, I fall apart sometimes and miss things in my kid's backpack, but I am getting it all done. On my time. I do what needs to be done when it needs to be and everything else can wait until I get around to it. I feel like if I can keep on this track, I will be happier, rest easier, and be a better mom, student and employee. Here's hoping for a new trend :)
So anyway, back to letting go...of what and when did I let go?? On Friday I was scheduled to work day shift while child was at school. It turned out I was not needed and they canceled me (so I lied, I had Friday off other than mom taxi.) Since I had worked the night before and didn't get home until 12, and had run around with the kiddo all day to appointments, I was feeling pretty beat. And that's when I had my epiphany. Kid was happily at school, husband was at work and TOLD me to get some rest on my new found 'day off' and the messes in my house could wait. The clothes could sit in the dryer, the dishwasher would be unloaded when I needed something and the world would keep on spinning.While I am fortunate to have a housecleaner who cleans kitchen, bathrooms and dusts and vacuums every other week, it is the every day stuff like dishes, laundry and grocery shopping that I fall behind on. Even with help, I cannot do it all. But on Friday, what I realized was what I had to deal with was more cosmetic than sanitary. Nothing bad would happen if I did not completely catch up on chores.
I tried to go back to bed, but that was just too much. I felt lazy. But lying on the couch with nothing but mindless Internet surfing and TV was just what the doctor ordered. I have been feeling too stressed out and wound up to sleep lately, plus with my random hours sleep has been elusive. But mindless rest was perfect. Other than making a few phone calls and lining up appointments, I did nothing. Glorious nothing.
I picked up kid from school at 3:00, we ordered in Chinese for dinner and I went to bed early. It was awesome! Saturday morning, I woke up at 8:30 (which is unheard of for me, since I am up and out of the house by at least 730 every other day of the week) and I was excited to enjoy a beautiful fall day with my family. We spent the day out and about and I came home for a nap and headed out for my night shift (hence the middle of the night post.)
I call this a milestone because it has taken me nearly my entire tenure as a nursing student-slash-mom to realize that I am doing a pretty damn good job at balancing 'everything.' Sure, I fall apart sometimes and miss things in my kid's backpack, but I am getting it all done. On my time. I do what needs to be done when it needs to be and everything else can wait until I get around to it. I feel like if I can keep on this track, I will be happier, rest easier, and be a better mom, student and employee. Here's hoping for a new trend :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)